Pilot Season Preview

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This week’s cartoon was inspired by this summary of all the TV pilots that are in production. I may appear to be really interested in politics and the fate of the nation, but television programming is my true passion. If I had any idea how to get my foot in the door, I would gladly quit this thankless cartooning gig for one in comedy writing. I’m even willing to write shitty jokes for According to Jim, although I’d get fired right away for putting too many polysyllabic words that would consternate the inferior Belushi. Now on to the long-winded analysis.

“Mobius Sitcom” is all about television’s creative geniuses penchant for cannibalizing ideas from overseas. Not just American TV executives, the same lack of innovation is the same with all countries. It directly led to last Fall’s Coupling fiasco. It was a British version of Friends, and ended up being successful over there, so an American version of it was made. It failed. I’d say because the quality was shitty, but quality has nothing to do with a show’s success. Friends was a lame show, and was only so successful because everyone is stupid. To clarify, I’m aware that Wetten Dass was not based on The Young Ones, which was not based on ALF. I just thought they were each iconic enough of their respective countries.

“Lords of Ontario” and “The Double-Wide” are dumb jokes. You’re lucky I remembered the Geddy Lee gag. Otherwise you’d be stuck with a joke about the Coreys. I’m a fucking hack.

“Galactic Princess” is no more cruel than The Swan. I’m willing to argue that it’s a nicer concept, because it wouldn’t try to change uglies into real people. I don’t like The Swan, but I love MTV’s I Want A Famous Face. Those retarded kids make me so happy.

“Adoption Ninja” is the next inevitable phase in programming following Barbara Walters’ Baby Give-Away. It would have all the unwanted baby charm of the eighties classic, Baby Boom, with the added suspense of a ninja hiding babies in peoples’ homes.

The decline in journalism correlates perfectly with the increase in news programs’ fascination with missing white girls. Maybe I’m just a callous fuck, but I don’t give a shit if some co-ed hasn’t called her parents in two weeks. Case in point: A college couple went on vacation, but didn’t tell their nosy parents, because they weren’t five years old. Parents freak out and create a media shit storm, at least here in Mass, where the girl was from. But it’s not really the media’s fault, if you forgive them for being ratings hungry whores. The fault lies with the viewers. Those mouth breathing bastards would rather watch five hours of Dateline devoted to Missing White Girls than watch an episode of Frontline showing them what a loon their president is.

Grammar Police: I’m aware missingness is not a word. I’m probably completely wrong, but I find it to be a lot funnier than the word absence.

I originally wrote a scene about scientists developing the next generation of sexual euphemisms. It was a one note joke, so I stuck it in this strip and made fun of those Monster Garage type shows which have become so ubiquitous lately. As far as I know, “Hydraulic Mustache,” “Peanut Butter Tailpipe,” and “Flim Flam Gutter Ball Bingo” are all nonsense. I welcome any effort by you, dear readers who’ve read this way too long commentary of a sub-par comic, to get those phrases into the popular euphemism lexicon. Kind of like how Santorum came into existence.

Lastly, Aaron Spelling is not dead, he’s most likely undead.

Nuke the Whales

JP posted this fan art over in this thread. I’m sure most people are completely unaware, but earlier incarnations of Big Fat Whale actually featured a whale. I can’t explain it, but he has a loyal following who long for his return. I made a reunion strip this past xmas, but demand for my poorly drawn blue beast of sea has not waned. Feel free to weigh in here.

Don’t forget to check out JP’s page. Unlike myself, he knows how to draw.

“Sad Songs Are Nature’s Onions”

Today I went on a mini CD shopping spree and picked up The Magnetic Fields, I, and David Cross, It’s Not Funny. I got them both despite a collective ‘eh’ from the rumor mill. I’m a fan of both and figure even their turds* are at least a standard deviation above mediocre.

I didn’t even pass that hearing test you take in elementary school, so my opinions on music should be ignored. I like I, although most of the songs could’ve easily been snuck into 69 Love Songs, and anyone who didn’t care that there were actually more than 69 songs wouldn’t have noticed. I particularly like track 6, mostly because it wouldn’t have fit on that earlier opus.

Cross just named his album It’s Not Funny to deflect any criticism he might receive. The album’s very funny and one joke on the first track made me laugh out loud, something I don’t usually do because I’m a bitter petty man who’s filled with hate. I guess if you’re one of those mouth-breathers who thinks comedy shouldn’t be political, it’s not for you. But anyone who watches the Daily Show at least once in a while should pick it up. Opening the insert before listening to the CD won’t kill you. I followed the paper’s instructions and felt like a tool all day.

*Metaphorical turds, I’m sure their shit stinks, although Merritt may disagree.

Bigfatwhale.com Abused by Spam

Somehow my real email address, not the public one, has been compromised by spam. Since I use several email accounts on this domain, I’ve finally enabled the SpamAssassin filter. If you’re using an @bigfatwhale.com address, a few legitimate emails might get bounced, but I doubt it. I made the tolerances pretty low. Just let me know if you’re missing mail, and I will adjust the settings. As noted on Metafilter a while ago, SpamAssassin has been less effective recently, but I think it’s still better than having to delete my main email account.

The impetus for this was a particularly mean-spirited piece of spam, with the subject line: “Hahahha, Little Pe-nis U Have hero.” I get that they’re trying to sell penis enlargement drugs and use words and phrases filters don’t pick up, but mocking potential customers is just bad business. Imagine if MacDonald’s introduced a piece of advertising titled: “Hay Fat-tee, UR BELLY NEEDS Bergers.”

Jokebook Notebook #1 is Dead

Unlike most cartoonists, I don’t use a sketchbook to develop my cartoons. I use one of those cheap 60 cent composition books teenage girls write poetry in. There are maybe one or two drawings in the whole thing. The rest is all words, glorious text only versions of my already text-heavy comic strip. My drawing style is to just illustrate the scenes I’ve written as best as possible.

This isn’t post-worthy at all, but I finally filled up the first book which I started in late 2002. It contains the last 70 comic strips, which goes all the way back to the days before the panels had borders. I’m only posting this because I’m excited that I can finally move on to a fresh book whose pages have yet to be soiled by my Dorito-stained fingers.

Happy Loyalty Day, You Pinko Motherfuckers!

I am not making Loyalty Day up. Like many other awful things that happened to this country, Loyalty Day came to be during McCarthyism. In every other country, May 1st is May Day, the famous American holiday that celebrates workers’ rights, particularly the eight hour workday.

But the damned dirty commies co-opted the holiday and America decided the best way to fight back was to change the day’s entire meaning. Apparently, organizing an entire Hate Week proved to have too many logistical complications.

Loyalty Day sort of fizzled out after Vietnam, when xenophobia and jingoism went out of style. Bush can’t even mention American workers without opening himself up to the criticism he rightfully deserves for shafting them. So he has to play up the significance of Loyalty Day, which fills a less than two month void between Patriots Day and Flag Day.

In his Loyalty Day proclamation, Bush doesn’t even mention the day’s previous meaning. He could’ve thrown in a paragraph or two about how freedom is the almighty’s gift to everyone, but there’s no part of the Bible that guarantees you overtime pay.

In the true spirit of the day, all I will say is that it makes economic sense to not fuck the working class. They buy all the doodads and knick knacks that make republicans rich, as long as they’re not buried in debt and medical bills.