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Writing this commentary is going to be kind of difficult since this comic strip has a week’s worth of stink on it. It’s obviously inspired by the scientists who accused the Bush Administration
of ignoring scientific facts way back in February. This article
from a couple weeks ago about how they’re only letting witch doctors and faith healers represent America was the kick in the pants that finally got me to do a cartoon about the fate of science in our once smart nation.
The title panel is my attempt to tell a joke without words. See, they’re scientists who can’t figure out why the light’s out. If re-elected, the Bush Administration will declare that electricity is no longer caused by the conversion of energy, but simply created by Jesus, who’s constantly running on a treadmill up in Heaven.
I must confess that Dr. Fad and Mr. Wizard were not actually signatories to the February letter. I swear there was an official Mr. Wizard website when I wrote this cartoon, that’s where I found the picture of him. It’s been just two weeks and almost all Google traces of him have been eliminated. What happened to Don Herbert? I need to know! He taught me how to be the nerdiest four year old in the entire universe. Levar Burton also helped.
Dr. Fad is not important to me. I caught his show maybe once or twice. But he is still committed to that octopus outfit. I respect that.
I thought it would be easy to think of a bunch of actors who are typecast as scientists, but Jeff Goldblum seems to have cornered the market. I couldn’t think of anyone else, but a coalition of just Jeff seemed kind of sad. So I stuck him with what’s supposed to be the doctor from Stargate SG-1, because I am a nerd and think of her when I think “random TV scientist.”
There are still flat Earth theorists out there. They are dumber than creationists, because they actually put effort into coming up with their stupid ideas instead of just blindly reciting from an ancient fairy tale. As Aesop said, “A vegetable who shits himself is not as dumb as the mouse who thinks it is a cougar.”
I hate when comedians resort to mentioning weed for laughs. I hate it. I hate anyone who shouts “woo!” at just the mention of drugs. Actually I can categorically hate anyone who goes “woo!” for any reason at all, and still have enough hate left over for all y’all. Anyway, I had serious reservations about this joke because I feared the stoner community would think I wanted to hang out with them and they’d start sending me emails. Sorry dudes, I’ve got booze to drink. Please leave me alone.
Those Superbowl ads from a few years ago that equated drug use to aiding terrorists were hilarious. Drug money is dwarfed by oil money in the terrorist Ponzi scheme, but they were completely fine with making that argument. Drugs do contain some of the same chemicals that contribute to global warming. If they ever get around to admitting it exists, I’m sure the Bush Administration will blame it on drugs and hippie stink. For people who haven’t burned themselves with a crucible, those chemicals are carbon monoxide, tetrahydrocannabinol (the weed drug, don’t say “wooo” you motherfucker), and carbon dioxide. I’m sure there are a lot more chemicals, but I am dumb, and the place is called Spurious Labs. I doubt they’d even be this thorough.
Remember the mad cow scare last year? I’m glad that was fixed. Oh shit, no it wasn’t. The FDA just got around to issuing some new rules. They’re hoping that ignoring the disease will make it go away, just like AIDS. The USDA even prevented a rancher from testing his own cows.
That’s not really the point of the panel though. A lady cowering from a cow is just awesome in its poetic simplicity. I wish I drew a normal cow and not a sick one. It’s not as funny. It’s like I learned nothing from the Far Side.
The Ashlee joke was the real genesis of this entire cartoon. Ashlee Simpson really gets on my nerves. Jessica Simpson doesn’t even have a reason to be famous and Ashlee gets to ride her coattails? That’s bullshit. I doubt anyone who doesn’t know this has read this far, but there’s a probability joke in there, in case you missed it. The Ashley bell curve. The data set is really small. The only Ashlee I’ve heard of is Ashlee Simpson, and the only Ashleigh I know of is Ashleigh Banfield, who wears glasses, so she must be smart. I’ve seen enough porn star Ashleys and regular Ashleys to assume their I.Q. averages around 100.
Also, “Ashlee, Ashley, Ashleigh” is the name of my all girl supergroup I’m forming. Auditions will be held at 5pm…in my pants. (rimshot, thank you and good night!)
Particle physics is boring. I’m sorry, but protons and neutrons are as tiny as things have to get for me to understand my universe. However, subatomic particles actually exist, not like Jesus. I just choose to ignore both.
Armageddon may be ridiculous, but it’s a lot easier to imagine some red guy with a pitchfork poking all the sinners than it is to fathom an infinite universe among other infinite universes that may have only come into existence because of some forces even Einstein wasn’t too sure about.
I’ve decided that this cartoon proves I love lab coats. Besides regular suits and ties, I’ve drawn scientists and doctors more often than any other character. They are my Far Side cows. Thanks for reading all this. Being ahead in the comics gives me some more goofing off time to write this incoherent nonsense.
Next Week: Make sure you know what frotteurism is.
Update: I just checked out that link to the frotteurism page and was freaked out by this part of the definition:
By definition, there is significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
Although eerily similar to a description of myself, I swear I am not a frotteur. At least not since the T fare went up to $1.25.