The Psychic Fundit

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Another cartoon posted early on a Th-hers-day, for the ladies. I’m churning out comics on a faster schedule than usual in an attempt to free up some time for some other projects that need my attention. I just missed the deadline to bump a cartoon about the tsunamis up to this week. And before you get all worried that I’m a tasteless asshole, it’s actually about the media coverage, not the tsunamis themselves.

On a less depressing note, this week’s comic. I think it’s self-explanatory. I hated using the word fundit, but I must admit it’s a lot less clunky than “entertainment commentator.” I do think the commentary programs are a bit excessive, but there are good ones. I like Best Week Ever, they usually have commentators who are actually funny, instead of catty and gay, which is becoming increasingly confused with humor nowadays. The shows Comedy Central has in the works could be promising.

Once I get the time, the Psychic Fundit might become something I do with the DV camera. I just need a garish backdrop and a hilarious mustache.


Not living in NYC or LA means I don’t get to see decent comedy on a regular basis. Not that there isn’t good stuff to be found in New England. It just takes too much work for my lazy ass to find.

As a service to all of you in my part of the world with respectable senses of humor, I’m letting you know that Stella will be doing a show at Lupo’s in Providence, Saturday, Jan 22. According to the Lupo’s site, the fantastically awesome Eugene Mirman will be opening for them, although he hasn’t posted it on his tour dates page yet. He’s worth the price of admission alone.

A Christmas Lie

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I came across this shameless bag of re-packaged holiday candy. This is obviously a bag of candy corn, my favorite Halloween-specific candy, except it’s marketed as “Snowman Noses.”

I understand that candy companies might occasionally make too much candy corn and be stuck with it for a year. But no one is falling for this. They should just suck it up and dump it in the dollar stores.

I highly doubt that anyone has ever seen a snowman tiny enough to have candy corn for a nose. If I ever did, I would know that it was built by a pussy.

For the sake of journalism, I ate the entire bag. It tasted exactly like candy corn, and nothing like Pepsi spice. Thankfully.

Workshop Veterans for Truth

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I’m posting this week’s cartoon early as a holiday gift from me to you. It’s a hacky Rankin-Bass parody, but it’s the thought that counts, and very little thought went into this.

This comic doesn’t deserve any lengthy explanation. Portraying Santa or his elves as less than perfect has been a crutch of comedy since irony was invented in the early seventies. Also, since it’s a swift boat parody as well, it’s entirely possible that the elves are lying on behalf of the Republican party.

I’d like to stress that there’s nothing funny about the Holocaust. However, Holocaust deniers are fucking hilarious. They’re all the fun of your average run-of-the-mill conspiracy nut, combined with a bitter hatred that is so depressing it makes you laugh because you’re dead inside and no longer able to cry.

Video Test

I was fortunate enough to get a DV camera this week. I’m just learning how to use it now, but I hope to be posting clips and sketches fairly frequently in 2005, since putting a video together is a lot less tedious than drawing a comic strip.

For now, I just slapped one little clip together to make sure all the hardware works and to get familiar with the video editing software. It’s not particularly funny, but fans of BFW might be interested to see how each strip is put together.

Behind The Scenes at Big Fat Whale
QuickTime – 512kbs
QuickTime – 100kbs

I rendered the video as QuickTime because it seems to be the most common format and it’s complaint free with most systems. Let me know if there are any issues with downloading or formats. I have no idea what I’m doing.

It’ll be a while before I post more substantial clips. Just wanted to give you all an idea of what’s in store for the site.

The Incredible Shrinking Dollar

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I’m not an economist, so don’t take these dumb jokes as fact. But let’s not kid ourselves. Economics is not rocket science, even though rocket science isn’t rocket science either. I believe most economists were poli-sci majors who were just socially inept enough to have an interest in math, but not enough to push them over to the dweeb dark side of physics, differential equations, or the nerdliest of all, engineering. To anyone from those majors, economics is barely above astrology in terms of difficulty.

This cartoon was inspired by this article in the Economist. It explains in many fancy pants paragraphs that spending money you don’t have isn’t a good idea, for both individuals and governments. I understand that debt is a part of life, especially for people with more responsibilities than a deadbeat cartoonist, or for countries that have begun a quest for global hegemony, but eventually the spending has to give way to some income.

This is boring me and I’m pretty busy, so I’ll leave you with this last thing. I am not against rich people and for poor people. I am against greedy people. Greedy people exist in all classes, from the CEO who gets a multi-billion dollar golden parachute after tanking the pensions of thousands of people who were happy with what they had, to the poor dumb hillbilly who tramples her mother to get to Wal-Mart’s last $50 DVD player. These tax cuts and the privatization plan for Social Security have nothing to with sound economic policy and everything to do with greed.

However, my economic worldview exists only as a manifestation my own greed. If the middle class is wiped out of existence, there won’t be enough people with disposable incomes to buy my shitty comics and other novelty items. Then I’ll never be able to afford my mansion on a hill with its diamond encrusted bidet.

Oh I almost forgot. One last thing about economics. Who the fuck does Suze Orman think she is? Everytime I flip past CNBC, she’s there telling stupid people that credit cards are a bad idea and selling books that say the same thing. No shit. I could be doing that and making millions if I were able to tolerate talking to the morons who didn’t realize 30% interest rates were a bad idea. Jesus I hate that woman, and now that she’s doing truck commercials, I have to see her stupid face all the time.

Blog Neglect

I spent all of this week’s special bloggin’ time making a style for the forum that matches the rest of the site. Now its garish colors and sloppy construction help it fit seamlessly within the rest of the shoddily designed BFW website.

I assume interesting news happened somewhere this week. I’ve been too busy to read the papers or political blogs, so my only source of information were bits and pieces I saw on television. So the only news items I caught wind of were the Peterson sentencing and the botched Kerik DHS nomination. Both are boring and tedious and I have nothing to say. The fascination with Scott and Laci has irritated me endlessly since the earliest days of BFW. I’m sure some fat lady with a harelip was killed somewhere more recently, but no one’s been talking about that all the goddamned time.

The only other thing from the outside world I’ve heard about is news from the baseball winter meetings. It’s sad to see Pedro go, but like me, his salad days were in the late nineties. Except for me, salad is just a euphemism for cheesesteak. David Wells is a dick, but he might bring some of the Sox’ to my neat little town in the Greater Boston hinterlands thanks to this fine establishment.

Overton & Brock: Hard-Boiled Detectives

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This week’s cartoon is just a dumb joke. It might’ve worked better if I could draw or if it were done as a live-action sketch. It’s probably funnier once I tell you that I had to do those coy poses for my digital camera to figure out how to draw them.

Next week there will be a political cartoon. And I promise I’ll get crackin’ on one of those random facts comics that you may or may not like before the year is out.

Update: Next week’s strip was pretty much written when I wrote this post, but since then, I’ve tweaked the format and now it will be one of those random facts montage comics.

Deck The Halls With Awful Cartoons

I was doing some tidying up on the server and an I came up with an idea that might help me put food on my family. Nearly every webcomic has one of those ubiquitous PayPal donate buttons. BFW did back in the day, but it produced few results, so I got rid of it.

A goodly chunk of old BFW cartoons aren’t available to the public. It was my intent that it might help drum up sales of the now year-old comic book. They’re also blocked to lower bandwidth strain and to keep people from seeing some of the spectacularly shitty early cartoons first and then writing off BFW without ever seeing the recent cartoons.

I’d like to know if there’s any interest in opening up the entire archives to people who contribute a buck or two. Just shoot me an email or post in the forum if it sounds like something you’re interested in.

Now there are some people who think every comic strip, song, movie, TV show, and bukkake video should be free thanks to the magical internets. These people are communists and should be ignored. You don’t work in a cubicle at the cracker factory for free and I shouldn’t have to either, unless you’re willing to hook me up with some health care.

Standards And Practices

Sorry for the complete lack of anything relevant being posted here in weeks. I’m kind of busy. I also wouldn’t have much to say even if I did have the time to pontificate. Most of the political stuff going on right now would just result in me saying, “I told you so,” a bunch of strident harping, or a string of swears I just made up.

That still wouldn’t be as shrill as most of the right wing nutjobs bitching and moaning about their outrage of the week. They have control of everything, but they still manage to sound as if they’re the victims. There’s something admirable to that. The country’s going in an entirely different direction from what I’d like, but I can’t bring myself to complain all the time. I have hand farts to make and beers to drink.

They’ve denied themselves so much of life’s awesomeness that whining and attacking others is their only source of joy. Organizing petitions and frivolous boycotts shouldn’t occupy the entirety of someone’s free time. And speaking of free time, how do these assholes find the time to pray and speak in tongues when they’re so busy making sure two gay guys they don’t even know can’t get married?

This is why I haven’t posted. I could go on and on about how their way of life is wrong and I am right. But then I’d become a joyless prig just like them.

I meant to talk about something that was news a while ago. The mini-outrage over the Desperate Housewives/ MNF tacky promotion. It’s the latest in a string of controversies fueled by morality queens and the compliant FCC.

I have startling news for everyone screaming the mantra “Think of the children!” Back in the old pious days of Puritans and Mormon pioneers, kids had to watch their parents fuck. Those quaint one-room cabins you see at Plimoth Plantation and Romanticized Covered Wagons were the scene of some nasty, unshaven, Jesus Freak on Jesus Freak hardcore ballin’; right under the noses of their twelve kids, three of which would survive to adulthood. An aging TV star’s bare back is nothing compared to that awfulness.

I bet most people agree with me, or at least acknowledge that kids’ heads won’t explode if they accidentally see a titty or some dead old dude’s balls. I’m too lazy to look up how many complaints the FCC got over the broadcast, but I’m sure it’s an infinitesimal fraction of the total viewership.

That should render the controversy moot. The FCC is supposed to uphold community standards, not the standards of five insane old ladies with nothing better to do. Community standards are a hard thing to divine, but Nielsen ratings are not. The FCC should sit on its hands, or god forbid enforce the laws that matter, until the number of complaints reaches a significant portion of the total viewing audience.

What that portion should be is up for debate. I say any complaints that amount to less than 50% of the total viewing population, say 49%, should be completely ignored. I think that’s a policy the current administration would endorse.

Speaking of Nielsen ratings, you should be watching Arrested Development. It’s on right after The Simpsons, which any objective viewer will agree is the lesser show. Also, watch Patton Oswalt tonight on Comedy Central. I mean, you read this long-ass rambling essay, and both of those shows are infinitely funnier than anything I could throw together. Not watching them would imply that you’re somehow retarded in the brain.