Country Justice

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For some reason I thought Blind Justice was an NBC show. They have the Psychic Snaggle-Toothed Detective and I just assumed they’d be responsible for every other ridiculous detective show. Upon closer inspection of television’s garbage time, it turns out all the networks are guilty of using the tired premise of a cop with special powers/disabilities, so singling out NBC wasn’t very fair of me.

I was going to have eight panels of promos for various preposterous cop show premises, but most weren’t very good, except maybe for this one and Pam: The Lady Detective.

Then I tried doing a plot-driven comic where the farmer’s highly specialized skills would prove useful in fighting crime on the streets of New York. (A sheltie rounding up junkies, identifying a murder weapon as a pitchfork, and using a pig to track down the kidnapped heiress of the Mandrake truffle fortune.) It was all too clumsy and forced, and I must confess involved a daunting number of awkward poses and scenes to illustrate.

I bitch and moan about the quality of TV shows all the time, especially with all the rumors about the untimely demise of Arrested Development, but the audiences are just as responsible as the networks. There once was a time when the stupid and easily entertained were mocked and ridiculed. Now their every base and puerile desire is catered to by the networks, greatly reducing the amount of programming an elitist prick like myself can tolerate.

The Amazing Policy Prognosticator

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I know I’ve been shoving shitty cartoons down your throats for the last couple of weeks, but I’m gonna have to ask for another mulligan on this week’s comic. A confluence of bad ideas and avenues for procrastination led up to the disaster I present to you today.

I promise I’ll have my nose to the grindstone, my feet to the fire, and my junk in the trunk all weekend long, ensuring that next Friday’s effort will be worthy of your viewing pleasure.

If BFW has a prolonged string of sucking, you can safely assume that Mike Scully has taken over writing duties for the comic strip.

Update: Just to clarify, the adversarial tone of the White House press corps in this cartoon is for dramatic effect only. I hope I didn’t give the impression that I have any respect for the mealy-mouthed turds who currently work there.

There Are Stupid Questions

“how the fuck do they squeeze 1 million people into rhode island”

This chestnut has been in my server logs for most of the month, and every time I see it, it makes me laugh.

For foreigners, and ignorant Americans, Rhode Island is the smallest state, having just a little over 1000 square miles in land area. But it’s the 43rd smallest state in regards to population, with about 1,050,000 people. New York City is much smaller than the state of Rhode Island, at 321 square miles, but has something close to 8 million people living there. (Figures taken from the intro to Animal Precinct.)

Fake Valentines Are Back

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I almost didn’t update the site today. I’ve been so distracted moving all of my crap from my old machine and getting everything set up the way I like it on the new one, that I nearly forgot why I used the computer in the first place.

Besides that boring peek into the minutiae of my week, there’s not much to say about this cartoon. Next year I’ll make a conscious effort not to do fake valentines again, but chances are I’ll be gripped with another awful case of the lazies.

Some of you might not recognize the Love Is… parody. It’s a terrible saccharine comic strip that some brain dead lady started in the seventies that has been kept alive by her demon spawn following her death. I promise you that BFW will die with me, forcing any lazy freeloading children I may have to come up with their own shitty comic strips.

This should go without saying, but domestic violence is never funny. Unless it’s a fat lady beating up her tiny husband, which is the only reason why I watch COPS.

The Case Against Seth MacFarlane

I’m still in the middle of moving all my crap from the old computer to the new one. But this startling bit of news got my pull-ups in such a twist that I had to end my blogging break early.

For those of you who don’t feel like reading the article, it says that Fox has reduced this season’s order of Arrested Development episodes to make room for hack comedy golden boy, Seth MacFarlane and his second shit pile of a show. I always hated Family Guy for its obvious jokes and lame eighties references, but at least it was an original show that managed to suck in new and innovative ways. American Dad is just a cheap knock-off, clearly showing that MacFarlane is comedy’s Brett Ratner.

This post is just in jest if that untalented douchebag is looking for a young writer who also remembers things from the eighties.

If you’re at all interested in Arrested Development and how it’s put together, The Onion AV Club has an excellent interview with series creator Mitchell Hurwitz. And for balance, they also did an interview with the moron a few weeks ago.

I’m sorry I haven’t done anything political in a while. Social Security’s been all the rage, and as a deadbeat cartoonist, I don’t make enough to pay into the system. Plus finding something funny to do with annuities is beyond my limited skills. Hopefully once Dean is named DNC chair, the political debate won’t be dominated by the likes of mystery tools.

16 Cent Book Bin

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Sorry there was nothing between this post and last week’s comic. I was going to put up a book review (I read a book!) and recommend that you seek out episodes of the old Channel Four show Spaced, from the guys who made Shaun of the Dead. But then I realized both were old news and I could just mention them in this paragraph, thereby sparing all of us from my long-windedness.

This week’s comic is just another book bin. No thought or effort went into it, it’s just a place holder to prevent running another best-of. I’m sure Detroit is a very nice place and has more than adequate methadone facilities.

I wish I could’ve held out and done the book bin next month. Next week will be more fake valentines and having two recurring bits in a row is lame. But you get what you pay for.