The Rise of the Pagan Right

The Rise of the Pagan Right
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I ended up doing way too much research for this cartoon. Everyone who sincerely believes Christmas is under assault is a fucking moron and not worth all the time I wasted looking up various pagan winter solstice rituals.

People have been celebrating in the dead of winter forever. It’s a miserable time of year. It gets dark at 4 in the afternoon. If there wasn’t a month long party and houses decked in pretty blinking lights, anyone with half a brain would blow their fucking brains out. Early Christians just had the good sense to tack Jesus onto all of the heathens’ fun.

Since winter warmer, ridiculous sweaters, and Italian Donkeys (Warning, sound!) have nothing to do with Jesus, I have no problem celebrating Christmas, despite my evangelical atheism.

17 thoughts on “The Rise of the Pagan Right”

  1. The last panel of this is genius. The colors, her position, the cups, the composition of the shot… I’m telling you: pure genius.

  2. So you’re saying that we get the 25th of December off in America because People have been celebrating in the dead of winter forever? Grow up and a pair. In the US (I can’t talk on behalf of Uzbekastan), December 25th is a holiday because it is Christmas. Charlie Brown didn’t have a Chakakana special. Santa Claus was a Catholic saint. And just because Boondocks says Kawanzaa is cool, doesn’t mean it’s why you get December 25th off*.

    *Not valid for emergency workers or people in shitty retail jobs.

  3. Kelly – thanks, but I basically just drew clothes on a seedy picture I found after entering “xerox party” into Google Image search.

    DiRT – No, that’s not what I’m saying. Don’t build strawmen. I was talking about the holiday season, not Christmas proper. Of course December 25th is Christmas, and it will be a federal holiday until the end of the republic. I’m just saying that there’s a less religious reason why people are inclined to have fun this time of year.

    People have been celebrating around the winter solstice since the dawn of civilization. It’s pretty douchey of Christians to now claim that no one but them has a right to party this time of year just because some Roman Emperor conveniently decided Jesus was born on the 25th; especially when a lot of Christmas traditions were lifted from pagans.

    Also, spelling Chanuka like that was HILARIOUS! As were all your other bon mots. I will cover them with chocolate and give them to all my friends as Xmas presents.

  4. I love this topic, I love Saturnalia, and I love the winter solstice. In case you want one more reason to celebrate, my birthday is also on 12-21. As a kid, I got to be very dramatically put out that my birthday was on the shortest day of the year. And, speaking of celebrations, I’d love to know the tally of body shots taken thus far at the “Winter Doldrums” parties in places like Madison, WI, where winter is hell. Or does that start next month? P.S. those neo-pagan hippie solstice celebrations aren’t really that bad when you avoid the juice bar and stick to straight liquor.

  5. DiRT wrote: “Santa Claus was a Catholic saint.”

    so that’s why he likes children so much.

    He wants to find out who’s naughty and nice.

    Oh, and Brian: Grow up and a pair! (!?)

  6. Allison – Are “Winter Doldrums” parties real things? Or is that just a colorful term for any party designed to get freezing people shitfaced?

    Screw the neo-pagans and all their beaded jewelry. I won’t single them out, but a few didn’t cotton to the disclaimer I put at the bottom of this cartoon. I’m sorry, but believing in a magic baby or a magic tree is always laughable.

    Eugene – Thanks! Since Friday, this cartoon has mobilized the godless masses. Although the X in Xmas could just as easily represent the “Chi” in the Chi-Ro of early Christian symbolism. But I somehow doubt most fundamentalist blowhards know that.

    Matt – I think DiRT was refering to my rare medical condition colloquially known as “Wee Balls.”

  7. Just thought you might enjoy knowing that I left Cambridge (epicenter of the War On Christmas) to visit my family in (way, way rural) upstate NY this past week, and got the joy of seeing my five and six year old cousins perform in a play (at their Catholic grade school) called “Christmas in the Country”. It was about two country kids whose “snooty” (according to the program) city cousins come to visit for the holidays, after their parents (cruelly!) ditched the kids with said relatives to take an “adults only” vacation somewhere in heathen Europe. The country kids have to whip the city brats into shape and teach them the true meaning of Christmas (guess). It was followed by a long speech by the school principal about how everyone needs to come together as a community to fight the secularization of the holiday, how she hopes we all find Christ under the tree this year, etc, etc, etc.

    Nice. At least it was legitimately a private school and not a public one pulling this crap.

    Brian, next time you’re in Central Square, you need to come visit the shop I manage. I’ll trade you craploads of coffee (well, and cash) for a book, because I’ve been meaning to buy one since forever and continue to be lazy. And that’s a damn shame.

  8. Jyllian,
    It sounds like that play at least had some kitsch value. I’d love to get a hold of that script and infringe all over that mofo by staging it with adults.
    Thanks to the evil geniuses behind comment spam, I installed about half a dozen filters. I am at the mercy of their whims, as are URLs with numbers in them.
    I’m up by Central at least once a week. (Mondays and the occasional Thursday.) Just let me know when’s a good time to swing by.

  9. Oh, I’ll be there Monday. 8am-4pm. Just look for the redhead girl running around with the confused and desperate look on her face – I’ll be managing, or at least attempting to.

    I tried my damnedest to find the script for that play. No dice. Google turns up nothing. Possibly written by an embittered local yokel?

  10. It had to be written by the teacher, or perhaps her bestest friend who writes morality plays when she’s not ordering Hummel figurines. Or maybe it was penned by the great and fake Jan Loscheider.

    I had to make up for time xmas stole from me and spent Monday inking a lame cartoon. I’ll be in the neighborhood Thursday.

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