Exotic Novelty Pets of the Rich and Famous

Exotic Novelty Pets
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I completely ripped off the toy mammoth idea from my friend James. So if any mad scientists got the idea to start making those adorable wooly cutie pies, they owe him a cut.

If you don’t follow celebrity gossip, this comic’s a reaction to Paris Hilton’s kinkajou. It was recently taken away from her by the state, but she’ll find some other poor animal to stick in her purse.

I apologize if the miniature publicist offends. It’s meant to show the callousness of celebrities who treat animals like accessories. So it’s not hard to believe they’d treat people like animals. If you still think it’s a cheap shot, I’ll have to pull out the “It’s OK because I am one” card. Although technically not a little person, I’m much shorter than all the ones who underwent that medieval bone lengthening procedure.

That’s all I can think of. This comic set a personal record for me. I managed to get this entire thing done in just eight hours. Yay me.

A Busy Bee Gathers No Moss

What happened to November? I had an entire month to get a bunch of shit done, but since the weather’s been so nice, I decided to download and watch every British comedy series I haven’t seen instead. If you’ve never watched Black Books, get on it. BBC America‘s only been airing a few episodes from the first season, but the more recent seasons are out there. It proves multi-camera sitcoms can still be good, which HBO’s Lucky Louie would’ve proven anyway.

November’s becoming the month where millions of Americans make it clear that they don’t like the things I like. Like last year when they re-elected Mr. Dum-Dum, illustrating that their distaste for homo-butt-sex was more important than reducing poverty and meaningless deaths. And this November they voted with their remotes, and killed Arrested Development. Way to go douchebags. 10,000 years of human history and The War at Home is what we’re beaming to civilizations across the universe.

I become slightly less sedentary in December. Besides my sketch troupe’s show in the info/annoying advertising section, I’ll be helping out the Comedy Bronze folks with a bit part in their It’s a Wonderful Life spoof. Dates and ticket info are in this email I lazily cut and pasted:

It's a Wonderful KnifeGeorge Bailey meets The Godfather in irreverent It’s a Wonderful Knife
One-act play premieres at The Tribe Theater on December 2, 2005
(Boston, MA) November 28th, 2005 –- On Friday, December 2, 2005, It’s a Wonderful Knife debuts at The Tribe Theater in Boston’s historic Theater District.

“They give off an energy that smacks of early Saturday Night Live casts” says INsite Boston magazine of show creator/performers Comedy Bronze.

In this topsy-turvy reimagining of the Frank Capra holiday classic, Christmas Eve is the crisis night for Giorgio Bollo, a small-time gangster from Badford Falls, NY.

When Heaven can’t be bothered to help, a devil named Clearance encourages Giorgio to achieve his big-time dreams by showing him what life would be like if he’d never been born. Unfortunately, it turns out that everyone would be a lot better off.

The Tribe, recent winner of The Boston Phoenix’s Best Comedy Club and Best Theatre Company awards for 2005, is a new type of theater company that unites the city’s best artists with the common goal of producing high quality entertainment. Its mission is to make Boston a city where artists gain national recognition, and make The Tribe a hub for Boston’s top improv, theater, music, and film talent.

Performances are at The Tribe Theater, located at 67 Stuart Street, Boston, MA on:

  • Friday, December 2
  • Thursday, December 8
  • Friday, December 16

Doors open at 7:30PM, and show time is at 8:00PM. Arrive early for good seats and parking. Advance tickets and directions are available online at www.tribeboston.com. Tickets are $10 in advance, $15 at the door.

Admission also includes performances by some of New England’s finest improvisation troupes.

A Rambling Holiday Message

As promised, here’s a hastily produced holiday message, featuring a rather sloppy looking hobo I paid to pretend to be me. More coherent and polished videos will go up in the near future. I promise.

low low
high high

If my ban on personal checks is the only thing preventing you from buying things, leave a comment and I’ll probably change my mind. I’m fickle!

Email Trouble

I just learned that every email I sent to AOL addresses in the past four months got vaporized by their wise and powerful spam filters. My guess is someone who uses the same hosting provider as me was actually a spammer, and they just decided to nuke everything within that provider’s range, being the computer geniuses that they are.

So if you’re using AOL, I can receive your emails. I just can’t send you anything. Fixing this is currently #237 on the shit I have to do in the next month list, so it might take a while.


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I wish I was a better draftsman and made the isolation chamber more obvious. It’s hard to tell what’s going on with that solid glass one. And in hindsight, drawing tiny drops of a mystery chemical probably wasn’t a good idea either. There should be a hose or a bucket over her head.

Crappy drawing aside, I hope the idea that chemical and incendiary weapons are both deadly and horrible ways for civilians to die comes across. Killing a baby by stepping on it doesn’t make you any better than the guy who used chemical weapons to melt its skin off. You’ve both made an awful mess.

I’d write more but it’s the day after Thanksgiving and I’ve got to wait in line all day to save $3 on shoes. The promised holiday message will appear sometime this weekend.

Great Idea

I would love to see this implemented on the northbound Southeast Expressway when the HOV lane forces a merge in Quincy. I doubt fines for rude driving could be implemented within Boston itself, on account of the fact that driving like an asshole is usually the only way to get out of gridlock.

Although much is said about the problems caused by rude driving, many forget that polite driving can also seriously retard traffic flow. If you don’t believe me, go to Seattle and marvel as traffic grinds to a stop as two people wave at each other, insisting the other person go ahead of them.

A Mediocre Post

My dear darling sugar pies, sorry I haven’t been updating this more frequently. I’ve been busy waging war on Christmas. You’ll have to deal with Salon’s annoying site pass, but the article shows how fake wars on Christmas have been invented by dumbasses throughout history.

I’d post an opinion or two about the news, but I’d put myself to sleep. Sure it’s nice that people can finally mention leaving Iraq without having their throat slit by a ribbon magnet, but I certainly have no secret strategy for doing it without Iraq turning into a shit storm of piss, poo, and awfulness.

This week’s comic might make more sense if you’re familiar with the military’s use of white phosphorus. It’s still not getting much attention here in the US, but the rest of the world is pretty pissed about it. Although the semantic difference between “incendiary” and “chemical” weapons is weasely, I really don’t see what the big deal is. Flattening someone by dropping a conventional bomb on the hospital they’re in is no better than melting off their skin. Anyway, more on this when I post the toon.

I’ll make up for the lack of blog newness by posting a special holiday message with this week’s update.

Conspiracy Theories

Conspiracy Theories
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Last week another round of “The World Trade Center was blown up by the government! Really! Some guy with tenure said so!” emails made the rounds to those of us unfortunate enough to be on morons’ radar. I know those cartoonists who exclusively do political stuff and have any degree of name recognition have more experience with this, but people who can’t tell the difference between news and conspiracy theories also have a hard time telling the difference between a cartoonist and an investigative reporter.

I draw funny pictures. I don’t follow leads. I barely go outside. Of course there are important stories that go unreported. I’m not stupid. But before you send me your latest “proof” that the jackasses in charge were actually capable of pulling off the greatest conspiracy ever conceived, make sure it can stand up to the mild scrutiny this C+ engineer will apply to it.

Don’t worry, dear bearded hippie who enjoys my cartoons and wrote me a sincere letter, I’m not talking about you. I hope this doesn’t discourage all the other loonies out there, I’d love to hear from you. I’ll even treat your crazy theories with faux sincerity and I might even tell you my next cartoon will cover that very subject. But I will be lying, especially if you managed to hunt me down in person. I’ll say anything to get you to buy my books.

As far as I know, all the conspiracies in this cartoon are fake, but Oliver Stone has already optioned my Buzz Aldrin Supercuts exposé for his next film.

Fellow Nerds

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be spending this Friday night huddled over a desk, drawing comics, desperately trying to win the approval of strangers. While that may not sound fun, it will be tonight now that I can watch the Comedians of Comedy on TV. If you still need convincing, there’s a very funny clip here.

If you still haven’t noticed that Carlos Mencia is an unfunny boil on the scrotum of America, watch this show and you will realize that what you previously thought was funny was actually lame. Plus Zach Galifianakis has the hardest working beard in comedy, it would be a shame if no one admired it.

Barry Whitbread: Financial Advisor

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I confess. Earlier this week I went to 7-11, picked up a prepaid cell phone and phoned this week’s comic in. The good news is that women expect all comics to suck, so this one didn’t let them down. The bad news is that the guys got hosed.

I could babble on about fiscal responsibility, but I’m not your dad. Also now that a good chunk of last November’s morons finally came to the conclusions they should’ve come to five years ago, it’s not really necessary for some jackass with a comic strip to point out that Republicans aren’t good with money.

Let’s pretend this never happened. In return, I promise to give 110% next week when I uncover some of the world’s most sinister conspiracy theories.