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I admit that mocking talentless celebrities is easy, trite, and usually the source of the lamest of SNL sketches. However, ever since I came up with the idea, I couldn’t let it go. The image of Paris Hilton and Ashlee Simpson doing vaudeville acts was just too appealing to pass up.
For those of you who are too sophisticated and pompous to own a television, this is based on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club, a show where tubby C-listers compete to lose weight. That’s all I know about the show. Even I have enough self-respect to avoid watching a shirtless Bruce Villanch on a treadmill.
I have nothing against celebrities who are famous for a reason. I can’t stand the celebrity gossip shows and the tabloids who cover them, but they are only fulfilling the needs of a housewife in Peoria who wants to see a telephoto picture of Brad Pitt on the toilet.
It seems that the only celebrities who really enjoy the glare of papparazzi, Pat O’Brien, and Ryan Seacrest are the ones who have no reason to be celebrated. Which brings us to this cartoon. Sure it’s a joke, but I think we as a society would benefit if every socialite and untalented lamprey who sucks the originality and creativity from our culture was forced to learn a bonafide talent that people actually care about.
Now let me make a shameful admission: I view Ashlee Simpson as the tragic heroine of our times. She’s more than the ridiculous bafoon who cussed out some poor minimum wage burger slinger. She’s a simple girl who was thrust into celebrity by the failings of our society. We failed her and she’s acting out the only way she knows how, by sucking.
Allow me to elaborate. If we lived in a true meritocracy, where only those with talent were celebrated, Ashlee would’ve been spared her tragic fate. Sure she would’ve performed in her high school musical, and tried to parlay that into a singing career, but her lack of talent would’ve prevented her from going any further. Maybe then she would’ve gone to a small New England liberal arts college and joined the Peace Corps. But with no idea that she sucks, Ashlee continued her hopeless quest for fame, which resulted in a series of disasters that will stain our cultural history for generations.
I fucking hate Larry the Cable Guy (real name: Dan Whitney). David Cross wrote a much more eloquent, although similiar statement a few months back. The responses from Larry’s and David’s fans are a fascinating look into the growing rift between morons and civilized man. Pick a side America! Or be stuck in the middle with Leno, a fate worse than purgatory.