Dakota, Dakota, I Like You Not One Iota

I was going to be lazy and do a cartoon about South Dakota’s abortion ban. It was going to be called “8 Great Things About South Dakota,” and just feature eight blank panels, but I felt that was too angry for a comic strip that’s essentially a fart joke delivery system. Plus dadaism is for people who can’t be funny. For Friday’s cartoon, I went with some jokes about lobbyists, which scientists have found to be six times more hilarious than abortion.

There is a tremendous logical problem in believing a fertilized egg is a person. If you’re willing to make that incredibly false leap, then an egg in a petri dish with a sperm just one angstrom away from penetrating the cell wall is nothing, but one angstrom closer and it becomes a bonafide individual with rights. That’s stupid.

But there’s no changing the minds of people who believe angels are real. The only hope is to improve our nation’s education system so enough people realize human life doesn’t begin in one magic instant. It’s a continuum of development where an egg turns into a gooey lump, grows a heart, a spinal cord, resembles a lizard, then eventually turns into something viable. If you didn’t pass at least one biology class, you don’t get to be part of the debate.

I know I’m repeating myself, but just because something could exist in the future, doesn’t mean it exists today. Unless you’re some kind of hippie who thinks the past, present, and future all exist simultaneously, and we are just not capable of seeing the big picture, man.

A Salute to Cinema

click for comic

I don’t like doing these montage comics too often. It takes forever to come up with a topic, write seven unrelated gags about it, and then plot the whole thing out in irregularly shaped panels.

However, the idea for a silent movie about fart jokes was just too appealing. So I sucked it up and cranked out six sub-par movie related jokes, just to give you what is arguably my most sophisticated fart joke ever. I figured since the Oscars are this Sunday, the topicality might make you forgive my descent into Steve Guttenberg joke hackery.

I’m a pretty big movie snob, so I’ll be watching the Oscars this weekend. I won’t bore you with my picks, but if Crash wins anything, be prepared for a million other big-budget afterschool specials to be coming out in December. OMG! Racists are everywhere! They’re in the floorboards!