Xenophobia’s Greatest Hits

Xenophobia's Greatest Hits
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This is my attempt at contributing something to the immigration debate. A war on illegal immigration makes about as much sense as the war on drugs. I think it’s actually more sinister than the war on drugs. Although I believe individuals should be able put whatever they want into their bodies, the war on drugs pretty much only affects douchebags, so I’m really only against it in theory. A war on illegals tears apart hard-working families.

The only way to humanely curb illegal immigration is to punish the shit out of the companies that exploit illegal labor. All this nonsense about jobs Americans don’t want is just code for jobs that pay less than a living wage. Plenty of Americans will gladly shine the shit off a gorilla’s balls if it paid $15 an hour. But the Gorilla Ball Washing corporations only want to pay $6 an hour. So they’ve lobbied their Republican pals to create an underclass of “guest workers” to undermine workers’ rights.

If Americans gobble up all the gorilla ball washing jobs, there will be less incentive for desperate people to risk their lives and freedom to sneak into our fundie-filled freedomtopia. And if more Americans make a living wage, they’ll be less likely to become hate-filled assholes who blame brown people for everything’s that wrong with their miserable shitty lives.

The General said the same thing, but he didn’t mention gorilla balls.

Don’t be angry with the last panel. I love Canada, even though I don’t think Trailer Park Boys is that great. Sure it’s better than most of what’s on TV, but come on. There’s comedy greatness within your frozen nation, yearning to be free. Trailer Park Boys is not it. I give it a B-.

14 thoughts on “Xenophobia’s Greatest Hits”

  1. Because with a Republican-dominated government, NORML’s mission is pretty quixotic. They could be focusing that energy on electing more progressives who’d be more receptive to their message. Or in disgusting words, they’re prematurely ejaculating their idealism onto the bellies of America.

    I also think they’re selfish. I would like the government to give me free candy, but I think getting them to stop spying on its citizens is slightly more important.

  2. This comic wins so hard.

    It basically summarized my AP United States History class.

    Thank you, if you didn’t live in Boston, I’d make you a big tasty steak and drive it to you…my brother goes to BU though, maybe he’ll get you one :P

  3. If the government was giving out free candy, I’m sure it would be some generic version of Werther’s Originals.

    I hope the Spicy Meatball Ban wasn’t part of the curriculum.

    Since your brother’s at BU, make sure he’s picking up the Phoenix and reading that awful comic that’s right above the sudoku.

  4. You know, to be honest, “the war on drugs pretty much only affects douchebags” is a pretty stupid thing to say. 40% of the people in jail in the U.S. are there because of the war on drugs. The Colombian jungle is riddled with poison because of the war on drugs. We gave millions to the Taliban for the war on drugs. The war on drugs, in fact, affects a hell of a lot more people than warrantless wiretapping.

    Maybe NORML isn’t fighting the most important battle in the world, but you could say the same thing about any number of organizations out there. I mean, homeless people are pretty much douchebags too, right? Why waste time fighting for them?

    Okay, I’m done. I just want to also say it’s pretty weird that my column on this issue also mentions gorilla balls in reference to the “jobs Americans won’t do” meme.

  5. Obviously I was being facetious. I’m more concerned with being funny/abrasive than writing well-thought out political treatises. That’s why you write columns and I write fart jokes.

    Yes, the war on drugs has been pointless and done nothing but ruin lives around the world and wiretapping hasn’t really harmed anyone yet; even though I think it’s far more unconstitutional than the war on drugs.

    But legalizing drugs won’t help the impoverished people who turn to making and selling them to feed their families. It’ll only help the people who purchase them. Legalizing drugs would immediately let corporations swoop in and turn the drug industry into a subsidiary of agribusiness, leaving Columbian farmers just as poor as they were before American disco fueled demand for their cash crop.

    The only real way to help those people is to improve their economic situations so they don’t have to resort to selling useless garbage to other poor people. How to do that: How the fuck do I know? I draw cartoons.

    Helping homeless people is infinitely more important than getting the right to smoke a joint. But I will admit to thinking aggressive panhandlers are annoying douchebags.

    Please know the mention of gorilla balls was merely a coincidence. I can’t read everything and would’ve used the phrase “Shine the shit of a donkey’s brown eye” if I had known similar imagery was already used.

    And as a scientific aside, gorilla balls are actually quite small, smaller than human balls. Chimps are the ones who are swinging the big bag.

  6. Oh, I didn’t think you stole my gorilla balls. Just thought it was a funny coincidence. And, you know, no big deal about the drug war thing–I figured you just weren’t stoned enough to see the error of your ways.

  7. I see. I was confused by your sincere mention of a coincidence, since that’s usually how I passive-aggressively let people know I think their ideas are hacky.

    I should also point out that my bias against those arrested for drugs stems from my own self-loathing.

  8. I was never a big George Lopez fan, but that is awesome. However, I’d be too embarassed to claim ownership of anything that comes out of Holness’ mouth.


    In Generica the flag
    is a soft shade of grey.
    The Stars and Stripes were offensive
    to other countries they say.

    The currency was changed
    to grey numbers on white.
    They said words of God and our heritage
    were too offensive a sight.

    History classes in school were replaced
    with with tolerence lessons.
    If you don’t stand during the Pledge of Generica
    They doubled the sessions.

    The English language was changed
    to a thing called Genymbol.
    Now to order a coffee and dougnut
    you must point to a symbol.

    In sports no scores are kept.
    All games end in a tie.
    But if a teams feelings get hurt
    they are allowed a group cry.

    All holidays were replaced with
    Counrty of Origin Day.
    Those born in America have to work.
    America is not acknowleged, they say.

    In Genericas economic system
    the rich help the poor.
    The rich don’t provide them with jobs.
    They just leave checks at the door.

    The A.C.L.U. is now
    the G.C.L.U.
    They robbed the rights of many
    to hand them to a few.

    The use of the Ten Comandments as a moral compass
    has been brought to a halt.
    It’s been replaced by ten excuses of
    why It wasn’t my fault.

    In Generican courts
    all victims rights are revoked.
    Now the victims are punished
    according to how they provoked.

    Generica is safe.
    All enemies have been appeased.
    Why attack Generica
    if you can walk in and do as you please.

    Did they drop from the sky or attack from the sea?
    When did this Generican revolution begin?
    They came while America was asleep on the couch. Not from sea or sky.
    They came from within.

    Thomas P. 8/16/04

  10. Hi Tom, or Uncle Tom if you prefer.
    Thanks for posting. It seems like only my Republican relatives find this comic. I disagree with most of those stanzas, but I think my counterargument would have to be in verse to do yours justice.

  11. Hi Brian,
    I just wanted to leave you a little somthing. I think what your doing is pretty cool. Although I only understand some of it (too many fancy book learned words). If you were discussing mechanical Engineering I would understand even less! I’ll keep reading and see what I can figure out.
    Tom,Uncle Tom, what ever works for you.

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