Hugo Chavez and the Citgo Sign

citgo signHere’s a comic I did for the Phoenix about the recent kerfuffle over Hugo Chavez’s UN speech.

If America is going to be the bully of the world, its citizens need to grow a thicker skin. Jerry McDermott and everyone else who’s mad that Hugo Chavez said mean things about the president are a bunch of pussies.

Go ahead and protest Citgo because Chavez is a dink, but if you have no problem with buying Saudi oil, you are a moron and giant fucking hypocrite. Also, the Citgo sign is way cooler than the weather lights on the Old Hancock Tower.

Speaking of the Citgo sign, lets look back to an old cartoon that it’s featured in. Though I caution that Red Sox fans may get sad when they see it and remember how low the team has sunk in just two years.

God’s Goofballs & Practical Jokes

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I came up with the phrase “God’s Goofballs” last week and instantly fell in love with it. I was confident I’d be able to make something hilarious out of it. Instead, I was only able to make mediocre God’s Goofballs-ade.

The Rapture is never going to happen. I wish it would. We’d finally be rid of a large portion of the world’s self-righteous assholes. Believing the Apocalypse is near is something morons have been doing for thousands of years, even before Christ came along.

The end of the world may very well happen, but its details won’t be anything like that cosplay nerd fantasy that’s the book of Revelation. It will be tragic for everyone, sinners and saints alike, and will most likely have been completely preventable.

What a Little Weirdo!

I know I said I’d lay off the YouTube posts, but this isn’t some random video I found. This is a brief clip from the home movies I’m in the middle of digitizing. It’s my sister and myself at a cheesy amusement park that remarkably still exists.

I am absolutely, 100% sure that my little performance was an attempt to convince random passersby that I am an animatronic exhibit. There’s several other clips of me flinching at bugs and animals on this same vacation tape, but you’ll have to wait until American Masters runs out of subjects and starts covering obscure cartoonists of the aughts to see them.

Those Marvelous Inventions!

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As promised, here are some jokes about inventions. And yes fellow nerds, I’m aware that ARPANET was never intended to survive a nuclear attack. It was merely designed to allow access to the few computers that could do things in the time before Pong.

Although I only brought it up so I could draw a church in a uterus, fundamentalists really believe they have some property rights to every woman’s lady parts. And now the federal government has issued guidelines that treat women as nothing but baby factories, which completely ignores their usefulness as jiggling objects in rap videos. (To prevent any confusion like what happened here: That’s a joke.) Mikhaela has a much better comic on the issue.

In case you don’t remember year-old celebrity gossip, the Alexander Graham Bell joke is about Pat O’Brien’s skeevy voicemails. It’s no longer on the site, but I made fun of O’Brien in an earlier cartoon. Buy a book and see how unfunny it was for yourself!

Next Week: God’s Goofballs

Mitt Romney Is A Dink

Here’s a comic I did for this week’s Phoenix. It only has a chance of being entertaining if you’re familar with Massachusetts’s magic underpants-wearing governor. And if you didn’t know already, you can usually find BFW posted on their site a couple days before I post it here.

Completely unrelated, but with the onset of fall, hearing people use the phrase “leaf peeping” makes me giggle retardedly.

Senator Ted Stevens’s Crazy Theories

Ted Stevens
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I admit that this cartoon doesn’t really have anything to do with politics. I’m just using the Senate’s most cantankerous old codger as a vehicle to deliver some nonsense phrases that were clogging my notebook o’ chuckles.

Although Stevens is only marginally involved with the content of this cartoon, the guy is still a douche. His recent crazy streak has managed to destroy any goodwill I had towards the state of Alaska from watching Northern Exposure (before it got shitty) in my youth.

It’s still not up on their site, so here’s the full page comic I did for last week’s Phoenix.

Next Week: Some crappy jokes about inventions.

Reunited, Almost

My beloved television programs are very close to coming back and filling my eyeballs with the sights and my earholes with sounds of the world beyond my computer box-o-machine. Until they do, you can whet your appetite by watching “webisodes” (a word so awful, I’m stabbing myself for typing it) of The Office, featuring the accountants Angela, Kevin, and Oscar.

Summer television had its moments. For instance, I learned I could hate a regular ex-junkie as much as an ex-junkie who became President. But this season’s Project Runway is incredibly lame, with the producers’ influence on the outcomes more obvious than ever. Alison and Malan should still be there. Santino was someone everyone loved to hate, but Jeffrey is just an asshole. Fuck that guy and his neck tattoos. I hope he falls off the wagon and injects himself with a syringe filled with superAIDS.

Lost better not pull an X-files and become completely ridiculous. I need answers, and a more detailed map.

And it’s just sinking in that Arrested Development has ceased to be. Fuck everyone who likes The War at Home.

Cryptozoology’s Greatest Undiscoveries

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I made up fake animals, and then I drew them. The only other thing I can say about this cartoon was that it was partly inspired by this hopefully facetious post on Boing Boing.

Of course there are animals that haven’t been discovered yet. But all the big names, Bigfoot, Nessie, la Chupacabra, and the Moderate Republican, are just the wild fantasies of people who like to pretend they’re scientists. I could poo in a shoe and mix some blueberries in it, and half of the cryptozoology community would take it as proof of something.

If you live in the Boston area, I have a full page comic in this week’s Back to School Supplement of the Phoenix. I’ll post a link for the rest of you as soon as it becomes available.