When In Doubt

I’m very busy this week, so here’s a picture of a my cranky cat.

Pepsi in a Basket

Also of some note, after five and a half years, I finally got my first piece of not-a-fan mail. I wouldn’t qualify it as hate mail, but I’m certainly not Jimbo’s friend.

And hey, since this isn’t a coherent post at all, I’m going to address everyone who speaks English and uses the internet: Please stop typing “sigh.” Might I suggest “(I’m wiping my forehead with a hanky in consternation.)” as a more appropriate and self-indulgent option.

And watch out users of “what not.” I’m gunning for you next.

Where Credit Is Due

I’ve been ragging on The Onion for the last couple of years for being too formulaic and predictable. (Area Man takes the mundane too seriously; Area Woman confused by something simple.) However, in a fit of boredom, I went beyond the still excellent AV Club and found this excellent article demonstrating why Dane Cook isn’t funny.

It’s the same principle at work in comic strips that look very lively, but don’t have any substance to them.

UPDATE: I like the word “excellent.” I also like temperatures in the forties. They “gave us free” to my car.

New Frontiers in Junk Science

junk science
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Junk scientists are just a hair more tolerable than fundamentalists. I’ll cut this short so I can pray to whatever Eskimo god is in charge of freeing Hyundais from six inches of solid ice.

Sneet Sucks

UPDATE: Since this post was kind of weak, here’s a picture of my car. It looks deceiving, but that’s not snow. It’s solid ice. I’ll take snow over sleet and freezing rain any day.

Also, I hate to admit this, but I just removed three inches of ice from our sidewalk and it’s the most exercise I’ve had in months. My arms feel like goo.

Next Week: The Scandalous Lives of Aquanauts

I Like Movies

I’d say I love them, but that phrase is now the domain of one Mr. Doug Benson. Check out his podcast. It is part of my inking day listening routine. The most recent episode features Zach Galifianakis, arguably my favorite comedian of the decade.

Rather than a short filler entry this week, I thought I’d share my opinions on the various Oscar nominated films I’ve seen so far. These are listed in no particular order.

Little Miss Sunshine – Cute. Not great, possibly even barely good. All of the characters could’ve been clipped from an indie-movie-eccentrics paper doll book.

The Queen – Helen Mirren is very good. I had no idea Tony Blair was a 12-year-old boy when he first became PM. Princess Di croaked on my 18th birthday, which is second only to sharing a birthday with Buddy Hackett.

Babel – Japan segments; awesome. Morocco segments; good. Mexico/San Diego; fuckin’ retarded.

Children of Men – Everyone who knows me knows I love a dystopian future scifi film. While this was good, it is not as great as the hype. Too much wishin’ and coincidence ends up saving mankind from its imminent demise.

Venus – I’ll watch this again in 40 years when I need to brush up on how to be a dirty old man.

Blood Diamond – Why not just have a story about Djimon Hounsou’s character? This movie didn’t even have the balls to call De Beers out by name. There’s a desperate need for an engaging documentary about why the West needs to quit diamonds. A diamond is just a very expensive thoughtless gift, for selfish assholes. If the quality of your marriage depends on the shininess of a rock, perhaps you deserve to die alone.

The Last King of Scotland – Forest Whitaker kicks ass. I don’t remember anything else about this movie except the chopped up lady and the doctor guy’s nipple-swing.

The Departed – Fun, captivating, based in Boston, and most of the accents weren’t completely off the mark like most movies (Mystic River). While not Scorsese’s best, he deserves a nod for this, the ridiculousness of Gangs of New York aside. However, I have one interesting fact for screenwriters: Southie isn’t the only neighborhood in the Greater Boston area. Strange, but true!

That’s it as far as serious contenders go. Comedies get the shaft by the Academy. Like everyone else, Borat was one of my favorites. Sure it’s insensitive to Kazakhs, but I am not retarded and know it’s a joke.

Worst Movie of the Year (That I saw. I avoid the obvious crap.) – Fast Food Nation. Mikhaela and Masheka can back me up on this one. I loved the book, but this movie has me questioning that.

Valentines for Hopeless Realists

valentines 2007
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Forgetting to do these last year was a huge mistake on my part. They’re the most popular recurring BFW bit by far. For the sake of funny valentines fans everywhere, let’s hope I remain bitter and cynical for years to come.

If you’d like to print these out, printer friendly versions can be found here and here.

Next Week: Pandering to scientists, atheists, or both.


If you ordered something from me in the past two weeks, it’s on its way today. Sorry it took so long. Walking to the post office in freezing ass weather isn’t any fun.

Brian the Irishman Predicts

I’m not going to watch the Super Bowl, not even for the commercials, but that won’t stop me from making a prediction: A team will win, the halftime show will be a carefully choreographed exercise in banality, and using quantum theory, there is a very slim chance the football will magically turn into the head of Betty White during a point after kick.

Hopefully my nerd soaps are new tonight and not reruns.