News of the Future

It’s been fading somewhat since the Walter Reed and US Attorneys scandals came to light, but the insanely early coverage of the 2008 presidential campaign is unprecedented in its ridiculousness. It’s not the fact that it’s being covered that bothers me. It’s an important election with a lot at stake. It’s the fact that the media is only covering the horse race aspects of it this far out.

It’s much easier to cover a campaign than perform real investigative journalism. Campaigns gladly spoon feed news to the media to get their message out. But these messages are almost always short on substance, and the media’s not about to get all “thinky” and put the races in context.

Blargh. I’m boring myself. I’ll ignore the presidential race for a while. I might change my mind if Hillary really does leave a corn-free log in Iowa.

One last item, don’t forget the BFW contest of absurdity.

Next Week: Game Shows That Don’t Exist, Yet

BFW Theme Song Contest!

While vainly Googling “Big Fat Whale” I came across this delightful song. Scroll down to the very bottom or be lazy and read the quoted lyrics below:

Slippery Fish, Slippery Fish….
Swimming through the water ( use hands to act out fish swimming through the water)
Slippery Fish , Slippery Fish
Gulp, Gulp ( Each time you say Gulp…use hands on either side of mouth and slide down throat)
OH NO ! (When you say this, put hands on face)
He got eaten by……..

A Tuna Fish, A Tuna Fish…..
Swimming through the water ( use hands to act out a tuna fish swimming through the water)
A Tuna Fish, A Tuna Fish
Gulp, Gulp
He got eaten by……..

An Octopus, an Octopus….
Swimming through the water ( use arms and wave them up and down for Octopus arms)
An Octopus, an Octopus…
Gulp, Gulp
He got eaten by…….

A Great Big Shark, A Great Big Shark….
swimming through the water (use arms from elbows to hands to look like a shark mouth opening and closing)
A Great Big Shark, A Great Big Shark…..
Gulp, Gulp
He got eaten by….

A Big Fat Whale, A Big Fat Whale…..
swimming through the water ( Use a deep voice and hold arms out to your sides to look like a Big Fat Whale)
A Big Fat Whale, A Big Fat Whale….
Burp, Burp….
EXCUSE ME! ( use a higher voice to say this part)

The Contest: Submit a video (YouTube, MySpace video, or whatever floats your boat) or mp3 of yourself (or group) performing this song. Feel free to interpret it however you see fit.

The Deadline: May 18th 11:59PM EDT

Submissions: Email them to me (whale [at] or post a link in the comments for this thread.

The Judging: A panel of Brian McFadden and his roommates will select the winner using their nerdly engineering skills for quantifying and analyzing data.

The Prize: One of everything in the Big Fat Whale store, including an original cartoon and print! (Originals are limited to what I haven’t sold already.) Group entries will have to split the winnings.

Runners-up: 1st and 2nd runners-up get a signed copy of Sea Anomie. And their entry being posted on the blog and the front page.

I’ll be plugging this throughout the site shortly, but decided to give you Big Fat Blog readers a heads-up.

I Recant

In my previous post, I ragged on road cycling. While I still fail to see the appeal of exposed lycra and pedaling for hours on monotonous flat roads, not to mention male leg shaving, it is fun biking through congested streets faster than automobiles. So there. I’m a giant pinko flip-flopper.

The weather in the Northeast has been really shitty of late, making mountain biking impossible, if not illegal at most of the nearby trails. Desperate to not revert back to my natural blubbery state, I decided to use the local paved bike path. It was snowy and icy enough to be mildly entertaining.

Anywhatzles, on the way there and back, I was a good citizen and followed the traffic rules for bicycles. This involved biking in the middle of the clusterfuck that is Davis Square. It was definitely better than the boring-ass fireroads that outnumber the area’s singletrack by a wide margin. I just might consider becoming a bike messenger, if only to justify owning a messenger bag for the past decade.

Reference Photo Gone Bananas


For those of you who don’t know, a large portion of my cartoons are based on reference photos I take of myself. Well, I just got a new camera that comes equipped with a self-timer fake-out delay. It’s specifically designed to make me look as ridiculous as possible.

And for the record, the lame-o clothes I’m wearing are for the cartoon. I wear different, equally lame-o clothes in real life. You’ll see the finished cartoon next week.

Calling the Nerd Patrol

If any nerds out there can tell me how I can get the blogroll to look like it used to, I’d be much obliged. I just upgraded to WordPress 2.1.2 and the get_links() template tag has been replaced with wp_list_bookmarks() tag. The page explaining how to tweak this tag is of little help. I just want to call individual link categories and have them display without those retarded bullets. Every attempt I’ve made to follow those gibberish directions has resulted in disaster.

Also, if the CWA blog goes down this week, I’ll get to it! It may take a while, but I will. I’m not an IT guy and fixing internet shit makes me angry.

UPDATE: The get_links() tag still works in 2.1. The upgrade just changed the numerical category ID’s. I know no one really cares, but just in case this pops up when someone’s searching for a similar problem.

Rejected Pretexts for War With Iran

Attacking Iran is a bad idea. That doesn’t mean the country is a giant lollipop factory filled with wholesome goodness.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to talk about the issue in this cartoon that I’m passionate about: toilet paper hanging. I’m in the minority and prefer the under method, at least in private bathroom situations. It’s more likely to tear on the perforated lines and not leave little flecks of TP all over the bathroom floor. This nugget of wisdom will be included in my upcoming book: Household Hints from an Insane Person.

Next Week: Transportation is Fascinatin’!

The Greater Boston Chit Chat Experience

For those of you who don’t live in the Boston area but love mindless chit chat, I provide you with this super-accurate recreation of my pointless conversations with strangers today:

Them: Can you believe how cold it is? With the wind chill, it’s below zero.
Me: It is indeed quite chilly.
Them: Didja heah? The MegaMillions jackpot is $378 million. That’s so big, I wouldn’t mind sharing it with a hundred othah people.
Me: Fuck you.

Of course I’m lying and was a polite weenie the entire time. I even escalated the boringness by saying something about how lottery winners almost always bought their ticket from some office pool in the middle of nowhere. I stink.