If you haven’t traveled across many state lines, you might not recognize the Phantom of Phantom Fireworks. His blank-eyed stare greeted me from atop dozens of billboards throughout my road trip in May.
He’s pretty much a rip-off of Dr. Doom and the Phantom Gourmet. He also shares the same ominous look of the Wessex Fireworks (now Pains Fireworks) Guy Fawkes mascot I encountered while doing research for this cartoon.
And that got me thinking; America needs a Guy Fawkes-esque Night in addition to our regularly scheduled 4th of July patriotic display of ammunition and hot dogs.
That way, we could burn effigies of our enemies and get all our angries out without actually bombing real, living human beings. Poor-ass countries who can’t afford Predator Drones and nukes already do this, even though making effigies of George W. Bush used up the precious few resources they had.
It’s just an idea, but I really want to make Khamenei and Ahmadinejad effigies and shove cherry bombs up their asses. I’ve already got some old sheets and paint, and I can drive 30 miles to New Hampshire (where fireworks are legal) and make it happen for under 20 bucks. That’s much cheaper than starting another $1 Trillion war.
Next Week: Stinking Merit Badges