The Great Unemployment Spill

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10% unemployment is really awful. Democrats are so scared of being called names, they’re never going to mention that more government spending is the only thing that can create the massive amount of jobs that are needed.

The country’s infrastructure needs lots of work and people are running out of unemployment benefits. So why not hire them to do the shit that needs doing? The military and the census can only hire so many people. Or we can listen to the deficit hawks and slash budgets and watch everything crumble, just in time for the 20th anniversary of the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Also, the oil disaster sucks. Let’s hire a few million people to build some windmills and solar panels so they stop drilling for that shit.

Next Week: Crappy Carnival Rides

“Lion Meat” Scam Alert

I love eating everything Noah decided to put on that crazy ark of his (except for people*, even the dumb religious ones), so naturally this headline caught my eye:

Mesa Restaurant’s Lion Burgers Draw Protests

Awesome, right? Even if it’s in that racist shithole of Arizona, I’d consider making the trip to eat a motherfuckin’ (farm-raised, not wild, mind you) lion. But then I read this:

The lion burgers, which will be mixed with ground beef, will be served with corn and spiced kettle chips. The restaurant will offer a South African wine to complement the $21 dish.

“MIXED WITH GROUND BEEF?!” If I want to eat a stupid cow that couldn’t hunt and kill a gazelle to save its stupid fucking life, I’d go to any ol’ steakhouse. Why not mix the finest whisky with some Budweiser while you’re at it?

Also, corn and spiced kettle chips? Jesus Christ, Arizona. This is what happens when you kick out the only ethnicity in your state who knows how to make side dishes.

*Dolphins, whales, and apes are all people as far as this post is concerned.

New Summer Series

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I love television. It’s having a renaissance while movies have gotten retarded with reboots and squeakquels. But there is still a lot of garbage on TV. Especially in the summer. Wipeout being the first example that comes to mind.

Rookie cops, doctors, and vampires are clogging up my screen and keeping more shows like Party Down, Mad Men, and Breaking Bad from fucking my eyeballs with awesomeness. Screw embryos! What about all the aborted pilots that could’ve grown up to become full-grown series?!

If you like this comic, consider buying some BFW stuff if you’ve got a couple bucks in your pocket. I could use a cable upgrade.

Next Week: Unemployment Spill

World Cup Liveblog: England vs. USA

Thanks, everybody for following along and hitting refresh in my shameless grab for pageviews. I actually really enjoyed the game, and can totally see the appeal. If only MLS was played anywhere near the level of what I just watched. I might do another liveblog with Friday’s Slovenia game, but I’ll have to wake up early and bone up on my Slovenian stereotypes first.

4:25 And it ends with a tie. This special relationship smells fishy to me.

4:22 Even with stoppage time, this shit’s running a lot faster than any Red Sox vs. Yankees game I’ve ever seen.

4:15 Why doesn’t America love soccer? Who gives a shit. Why doesn’t the rest of the world love MONSTER TRUCKS?

4:04 That bastard was acting harder than John Gielgud for that foul.

3:54 Are any Hobbits from the Shire playing in this thing?

3:45 I’d rather listen to every episode of American Idol simultaneously rather than endure this cacophony of vuvuzelas any longer.

3:36 The only thing lamer than yellow cards would be a time-out in the corner.

3:31 Lite Beer commercials making fun of girly-men? If you’re drinking lite beer, you might as well be douching with Yoplait.

3:24 I could get used to this commercials-only-at-the-half dealio. No Bob and his fucking discount furniture.

3:21 Every cutaway to David Beckham I have to remind myself that he was an athlete, and not some random Abercrombie & Fitch lookin’ dude the cameraman’s crushing on.

3:11 Woo-fucking-hoo! On a dribbler Bill Buckner could’ve snagged, to boot!

3:08 This last five or six minutes illustrates why soccer hasn’t caught on. I’ve read EVERYTHING on this bottle of beer while they’ve been going back and forth.

3:01 Cleats to the tit. I think we just found the new waterboarding.

2:54 Start calling this “grass hockey” and viewership will go way up.

2:50 Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and money shots.

2:47 Actually hoping for a tie. What kind of pussy am I turning into?!

2:42 No District 9 aliens in the crowd? Not cool, South Africa.

2:38 A real foul! Not some phantom acting bullshit!

2:34 Outlook, not so good.

2:27 Oh yeah, our national anthem is all about how those guys failed to take Baltimore, that humid shithole.

2:18 Subway for breakfast! Nothin’ says “Good morning” like microwaved turds.

2:13 Comcast’s basic, legally-required to provide over-the-air HD signals are shit. Constantly stuttering. Switched to the rabbit ears, and PERFECTO! XFinity is marketing speak for shit.

2:06 Are there mascots at this thing? If not, I propose a giant pig on a mobility scooter to represent USA.

1:57 Knight and Day looks like the worst fucking thing in the world.

1:46 If USA loses, I hope someone pulls a “The Patriot” and stabs England’s goalie with an American Flag.

1:39 Alexi Lalas is all grown up and no longer looks like that hippie from the Spin Doctors.

1:30 ‘Gansett in the fridge. Watching the pre-game. Hoping the mysterious extra time won’t make me late for my sis’s cookout and Flag Day fireworks.

This is me, in 1986, the last time I gave a shit about soccer, or as you fer’ners call it, footsieballz. My two or three years in BYSA were the peak of my team sports involvement, even including my stint on the championship-winning intramural Ultimate Frisbee team in college.

Since FIFA decided to have the England vs. USA game at a reasonable hour for me, and I’ve got nothing better going on this afternoon, I’m going to liveblog the shit out of it. Check back before kickoff (is that what it’s called?) for my lazy-weekend quippery!

1:46 If USA loses, I hope someone pulls a “The Patriot” and stabs England’s goalie with an American Flag.

How to Opt-In to Your Rights

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Thanks to five assholes, Miranda rights have been weakened. I’m not planning on getting arrested anytime soon, but this ruling essentially changes a right to a privilege, only available to those who know how to implement it. Warrantless search and seizures can’t be far behind.

And Thanks to Tom for kicking a few bucks my way to get my ass back to covering politics.

It’s a busy summer so far here in BFW land. I’ll try to get back to blogging and cranking out Quickies soon.

Next Week: New Summer Series.


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The iPad was launching in the UK while I was there, so I received a double-dose of the hype and wrote this as a result.

I have no problem with Apple hardware, it’s the prudish and clumsy management of their online stores that annoys me, not to mention the loud fandom that the company inspires. And if I had a few hundred extra bucks in my wallet, I might buy whatever their hot new gadget is.

Also, Steve Jobs might’ve said some douchey things about my pal Mark Fiore. Not cool, Cupertino!

And for fuck’s sake, please stop tweeting about your iPad. It’s a highly-portable computer. I get it. I’d rather hear about whatever boring-ass shit your lame kids or stupid dog did.

Next Week: Opt-In to Your Rights

Back in the Colonies

I’m back from Old England and home in New England. I had a wonderful time thanks to everyone who recommended things we should do. With your help, I was able to drink my weight in cask ales and eat enough meat pies to sop it all up.

We had a blast hanging with Nick, James, and Rob in Camden and Shoreditch. And my ass was literally blasted by the curry on Brick Lane.

And an extra special thanks to Phill Jupitus and the entire Jupitus clan for their seaside hospitality. Their local chippy puts every restaurant on the Cape to shame. I urge all of my fellow Americans to petition BBC America to show some Never Mind the Buzzcocks and QI instead of its endless Top Gear marathons.

Not sure when or how, but I’ll return. A comic convention or King Ralph-type scenario are probably the most likely options.

The Midnight Ride of Conan O’Brien

Coco’s coming to the Wang Theatre in Boston this weekend, and what better way to celebrate than with a dick joke?

I’ll be at Friday’s show, after lubricating my laugh-hole at The Tam.

And pedantic perverts needn’t bother correcting my spelling of “coming.” Even if I wasn’t going for the double entendre, spelling come with a u is a stylistic choice made by porno graphic designers who are trying to save valuable magazine and DVD cover real estate for close-ups of va-ding-dong-ginas.