Interpreting Mass Die-Offs


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A few weeks ago, everyone was freaking out over a bunch of dead blackbirds and other animals. Maybe if our bombs launched all those dead foreigners into space and they landed in the middle of an Arkansas NASCAR track, this country would fucking notice.

The animal die-offs are interesting in a “Weird News” kind of way. The brown foreigner die-offs make us sad and angry, (Or angrily defensive, in the case of chickenhawks.) so naturally we don’t like to think about them. But not thinking about them is why they’ve been going on for nearly a decade. In the same decade, Snooki became a bestselling novelist. That is interesting in a “Fucking Disgusting News” kind of way.

I don’t wish death on any person or non-delicious animal, except for starlings. Those fuckers are the Euro-trash of ornithology, with their disgusting greasy feathers.

Next Week: Valentines

5 thoughts on “Interpreting Mass Die-Offs”

  1. My undergrad lab work involved cutting the heads off European Starlings. (Sturnus Vulgaris, even the name indicates how much they suck) Let’s just say that I mostly did it for the sake of science… mostly.

  2. Thanks, Mike! But cold? I’m not the one advocating blowin’ people up in perpetuity.

    Gabe, do they smell as bad as they look? I’m glad I played with robots during my labs.

  3. We’ve come full-circle since Matthew Brady took all those photographs of the dead on Civil War battlefields, and made the civilians behind the lines realize the genuine cost of war.

    Prior to that, war was some kind of noble, romantic bullshit that got boners wagging and panties moistened. It was dashing, heroic, brave.

    Brady changed that with his pictures of shattered bodies, ended lives, rotting flesh. From then until recently, war was no longer something daring and fun. It was brutal and lethal and hideous, and we didn’t want to do it quite so much as before.

    Now, of course, we’re fed carefully santitized “news” updates that don’t show us any of the grit, shit, and sssorted realitites of armed conflict. The last ten years have shown what this trend amounts to.

  4. The smell wasn’t good, but on the spectrum of pets I’ve owned during my lifeit wasn’t too bad- although the shit got everywhere and left stains. They were actually pretty terrible experimental subjects- they wouldn’t sing if in a non- group environment, except putting them in a group environment always seemed to result in them killing each other before we could gather enough data.

    (I blame all the steroids we put them on)

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