In Search of the Afghanistan War

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We’re still at war. In Afghanistan and also in all the undeclared places where our drones are killing people. Even if you lack empathy for all those dead foreign civilians, this shit is going to come back and haunt us. I don’t know if you noticed, but an unhealthy desire for revenge isn’t just a trait we Americans have.

I was familiar with “In Search of..” before “Star Trek,” but my first real introduction to Leonard Nimoy was as the soundcheck voice at Boston’s Museum of Science’s Omni Theater. He spoke-sang a silly song, but it wasn’t quite as ridiculous as this:

Chumps at the Pump

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This is a popular topic among political hacks and dull water cooler conversation aficionados. I felt like weighing in anyway, and I needed a single panel idea to help me out after my ankle and a work trip slowed me down this week. The reality is that gas prices should be higher, enough to reflect its true cost, both on the environment and on the last 30 years or so of our fucked-up foreign policy.

After years and years, the Facebook fan page for Big Fat Whale is about to top 1,000. Help get it over that number! This is an important milestone for things that don’t matter at all, yet I check anyway, like the Red Sox’ 2012 spring training details. Oh boy, this is gonna be one stinker of a season.

You’re Invited to the Afghanistan War’s 10th Birthday!

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When the Afghanistan War began, I was a 22-year-old kid. That war’s still going on and I’m now a 32-year-old crank. It is the longest war this country has been involved in, and since it’s a war of revenge, not self-defense, there is no real way to declare victory until a majority of the American people finally say, “Yeah, we killed a buncha them. That’ll do.”

Interpreting Mass Die-Offs

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A few weeks ago, everyone was freaking out over a bunch of dead blackbirds and other animals. Maybe if our bombs launched all those dead foreigners into space and they landed in the middle of an Arkansas NASCAR track, this country would fucking notice.

The animal die-offs are interesting in a “Weird News” kind of way. The brown foreigner die-offs make us sad and angry, (Or angrily defensive, in the case of chickenhawks.) so naturally we don’t like to think about them. But not thinking about them is why they’ve been going on for nearly a decade. In the same decade, Snooki became a bestselling novelist. That is interesting in a “Fucking Disgusting News” kind of way.

I don’t wish death on any person or non-delicious animal, except for starlings. Those fuckers are the Euro-trash of ornithology, with their disgusting greasy feathers.

Next Week: Valentines

2011 Headlines

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I’m driving out to Pennsylvania in a few minutes, and my internet situation could be spotty over the holidays, so I’m posting tomorrow’s cartoon today. It’s a Xmas miracle!

This cartoon has created a philosophical dilemma for me. I can’t decide if being molested by a monkey is worse or better than being groped by a human. The diaper seems to counteract the authority of the armband. This is what I’ll be thinking about as I slog westward on I-84 this afternoon.

Next Week: Obama’s Concession Stand

Catching Up

It’s been forever since I posted something here besides the weekly comics. Sorry about that. Summer and furnishing the apartment left little time for me to blather on about nonsense.

If you weren’t reading Ted Rall, Matt Bors, and Steven Cloud last month, dig through their archives to read and see their Afghanistan adventure. SPOILER ALERT: They don’t die.

I’m pretty burnt out on politics these days since I am not a moron. August made a more eloquent version of that statement last month. I have no idea how sane people can closely follow politics for decades. I’ve only been paying attention for ten years, and this shit has already gotten too repetitive. Conservatives are assholes. Liberals are pussies. Rinse. Repeat. Then shoot me in the fucking head.

Now onward towards OPTIMISM! As daylight becomes scarce, I turn to the warm, comforting glow of television. There’s a lot more great television than films these days, and I’m having a hard time keeping up. If you missed its run over the summer, check out Louis CK’s Louie on Hulu or DVD as soon as it’s available. I’m also super excited for AMC’s Walking Dead, because I love zombies as long as hipsters and flash mobs aren’t involved.

Of course there’s shitty television too. I will liveblog some of it tonight. A post about that will be coming later today.

Publicity Stunts for the War in Afghanistan

Afghanistan Publicity
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Consider this the companion piece to this cartoon. In another three years, when these two quagmires are still dragging on, I might do another comic where they team up in a drug-fueled raunchy comedy, kind of like Harold and Kumar.

A couple helicopter crashes and Michael Hoh resigning have improved things a bit this week, but Afghanistan has never gotten much attention. We can blame the media for some of it, but let’s not pretend that Americans have a deep thirst for knowledge that’s being stifled by the likes of Fox News. We’s a bunch of morons! The fate of Balloon Boy captivated the nation, but when it comes to foreign children getting blown up by Predator drones, we couldn’t give two shits.

I’m not excusing myself either. I love being a big ol’ ignorant goofball making fart jokes. I sleep better that way. If you want far more regular coverage of this mess, colleagues like Ted Rall, Kevin Moore, and Matt Bors are a better bet. (Sorry I didn’t link to anyone else, but my fart jokes don’t write themselves!)

And yeah, I created a Twitter account for Afghanistan War. I doubt it’ll get as much attention from me as the Tweeting Toaster.

Next Week: Internet Knockoffs

Pentagon Fireworks

Pentagon Fireworks
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Phantom LogoIf you haven’t traveled across many state lines, you might not recognize the Phantom of Phantom Fireworks. His blank-eyed stare greeted me from atop dozens of billboards throughout my road trip in May.

He’s pretty much a rip-off of Dr. Doom and the Phantom Gourmet. He also shares the same ominous look of the Wessex Fireworks (now Pains Fireworks) Guy Fawkes mascot I encountered while doing research for this cartoon.

Wessex MascotAnd that got me thinking; America needs a Guy Fawkes-esque Night in addition to our regularly scheduled 4th of July patriotic display of ammunition and hot dogs.

That way, we could burn effigies of our enemies and get all our angries out without actually bombing real, living human beings. Poor-ass countries who can’t afford Predator Drones and nukes already do this, even though making effigies of George W. Bush used up the precious few resources they had.

It’s just an idea, but I really want to make Khamenei and Ahmadinejad effigies and shove cherry bombs up their asses. I’ve already got some old sheets and paint, and I can drive 30 miles to New Hampshire (where fireworks are legal) and make it happen for under 20 bucks. That’s much cheaper than starting another $1 Trillion war.

Next Week: Stinking Merit Badges