Texas, Not That Awful

I’ve been busy and missed this update to my Texas Textbooks cartoon and commentary. The conservative district that Ding Dong McElroy represented on the Texas Board of Education voted him out in favor of the more reasonable Republican, Thomas Ratliff by the slimmest of margins.

But the best thing in the article is McElroy’s stance against teaching Chinese Literature in schools:

“[Y]ou really don’t want Chinese books with a bunch of crazy Chinese words in them. Why should you take a child’s time trying to learn a word that they’ll never ever use again?” He conceded some terms, such as “chow mein,” might be useful, the San Antonio Express-News reported.

I’d love to see a comprehensive list of “foreign” words McElroy deems acceptable. It probably includes chop suey, nacho, lasagna, and bukkake.

The Web’s Worst Ads


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Jen Sorensen‘s been covering this territory on her blog for months, and the New York Times recently followed her lead. I felt the subject could use a few dick jokes, so I gave it a go.

The reason why the web is populated with low-rent, sometimes scammy ads is because online advertising is cheap. I don’t know if it’s a fair price or undervalued by out-of-touch advertisers who still think a full page in Cat Fancy reaches more eyeballs than an ad running next to the most recent viral cat video.

Unlike a lot of people, I don’t mind sitting through the occasional ad if it means I can watch or read something useful for free. Producing cool shit takes time and money, and unless you want to buy everyone’s merchandise or wait for a Kickstarter campaign to fund something, ads are a necessary means to entertaining your goldbricking ass.

Next Week: Weelight

Bunning Baseball Jokes

[Cartoonist Note: It was announced that Jim Bunning ended his filibuster threat while I was typing this up. That doesn’t change the fact that he remains a senile turd.]

Bunning is the Grandpa Abe Simpson of the Senate. I don’t have anything to say about how he partially froze the government beyond what Kevin Moore and David Rees have already said. BUT, I have been driven insane by all the baseball puns and clichés used by news outlets covering this story.

I’m sure there have been countless others, all as groan-inducing as a Jay Leno monologue. In the interest of improving the quality of topical Bunning-baseball humor, I whipped up a few jokes:

Government spending caused Jim Bunning to balk, allowing Harry Reid to advance to second base. Olympia Snowe’s breasts were not pleased.

Jim Bunning and Curt Schilling walk into a bar. They wouldn’t shut the fuck up and everyone left before they got to the punchline.

Jim Bunning treated the unemployed to some chin music this week, if you consider the sound of his wrinkly old balls slapping against poor people’s faces to be musical.

Pitchers and catchers reported a couple weeks ago, except for former pitcher Jim Bunning. He was busy eating out a Kentucky Tea Partier’s asshole.

It’s a shame I’m not on anyone’s fax list.

History’s Greatest Recalls


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Thanks, Toyota, for letting me revisit a bit I did in 2007 when China was poisoning pet food and putting lead in baby toys.

I don’t have much to say about the actual Toyota recalls except that in addition to the acknowledged flaws, the Prius has major blindspot issues. I drove a rental once, and the fact that its’ blindspots remain year after year without complaint proves that environmentally conscious rich people don’t know how to drive. If you’re driving a normal car on the highway, give those hippies a wide berth, ’cause they can’t see you.

Some ladies (and dudes who only pee sitting down) might be unaware that those of us who are bewanged sometimes get to pee on bumblebees. It is AWESOME.

This is something called a nudge. It gets people to do things without bossy signage that would likely cause spite-pissing. In countries that participate in the dainty sport of soccersball, there’s a more interactive variant.

Next Week: Texas Textbook Excerpts

Big Fat Valentines


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Happy Week Before Valentine’s Day y’all! Here’s last year’s. And the one from the year before that. One day I’ll get around to printing and packaging all of these in a tidy little set. But I say the same thing every year and never follow through. Consider that annual empty promise my valentine to all of you.

If you’re still stumped on what to get your valentine, may I suggest a signed copy of the Big Fat Whale book, Fun Stuff for Dum-Dums? Comics last longer than flowers, and fart jokes don’t fatten asses like chocolate. And if you ain’t got nobody, buy my book instead of a drinking a fifth of whiskey and eating a pint of ice cream. Your liver and non-drunk-dialed-exes will thank you. Order by the end of Monday to get it in time. (International folks: Please celebrate Valentine’s Day on the 21st.)

Next Week: Celebrate Presidents Day

Last Minute Gifts

Last Minute Gifts
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If you’re like me and haven’t done any gift buying or making yet, maybe one of these will inspire you. Or not, and you’ll disappoint your friends and family yet again.

Although the Christmas shipping deadline for the Holiday Bargain has passed, the special pricing will remain in effect through the end of the month.

Next Week: 2010 Headline Wishlist

Halloween Tips n’ Tricks

Halloween Tips n' Tricks
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Sorry if this offends real life flame-retards. I couldn’t come up with another joke to take its place because I spent too much time time vacillating between using jizz stain and cum stain in the last panel. Although the latter sounds funnier (K sounds are the funniest phoneme.), I went with the former because it sounds less pornographic.

It’s dilemmas like these that keep my mind limber.

UPATE: About the rape whistle. Someone brought this up over on Facebook, and I want to be clear that I’m not saying anyone in a sexy cat, nurse, or witch costume is asking to be raped. I’m making fun of those costume cliches, and the ridiculousness of wearing something designed to get strangers to look at your tits combined with a rape whistle.

So ladies, if you insist on being a sexy something for Halloween, at least be an original sexy something. Like a sexy Walter Cronkite ghost.

Next Week: Publicity Stunts for the War in Afghanistan

Latiagra

Latiagra

I only recently became aware of this Latisse prescription eyelash medicine bullshit because I canceled my subscription to Lady Maxim last year.

Since these pharmaceutical wizards are too busy making dicks and eyelashes bigger to find a cure for cancer, the least they can do is make Brain Candy a reality. Speaking of which, here’s some bonus BRUCIO! for you guys: