Matt Taibbi Is a National Treasure

I’m pretty sure this was written before her poll numbers started to fall, but his point still stands. The folks who were wowed by her when she was first rolled out are still fuckin’ dumb. It just turns out that they’re not quite as fuckin’ dumb as she is.

Here’s what Sarah Palin represents: being a fat fucking pig who pins “Country First” buttons on his man titties and chants “U-S-A! U-S-A!” at the top of his lungs while his kids live off credit cards and Saudis buy up all the mortgages in Kansas.

Maybe some good ol’ fashioned hard times will get these morons’ minds right.

Sarah Palin is Your Old Testament

click for comic

I’m a week late to the Palin pig pile. (That’s my only nod to the lipstick nonsense.) If the title of this comic confuses you, you somehow managed to avoid Barack Obama is Your New Bicycle during the primaries. And yes, I registered it.

That fundie wackadoo is a right-wing stereotype come to life: incurious, reactionary, mendacious, Rapture-y. There are many reasons why you shouldn’t vote for her, but here’s the most superficial: Her accent annoys me. I’d rather have Vice President Fran Drescher than listen to that rhotic phony bumpkin speak for the next four years.

Bible nerds: I know some of the stuff in the cartoon is from the New Testament. In fact, that was the original title of the cartoon. But I didn’t think it conveyed how regressive and backwoods Ms. Shit-for-Brains, excuse me, Governor Shit-for-Brains really is.

We’re in the final weeks before the election, so all you fart-and-dick-joke aficionados will have to deal with an increase in political content at least until then. If you want more funny and less partisan shrillness from me, then you better get your ass in gear and help elect Barack Obama.

Next Week: John McCain’s Economic Philosophy

Boo Code Pink

McCain’s doing a fine job shooting himself in the foot in front of that Blue Screen of Death all on his own without you hippies belittling liberalism with 40-year-old publicity stunts.

That said, every time these jackboots chant “USA! USA! USA!” I imagine them chanting “BEEF SUPREME!” and it’s a little less embarrassing to share the same country with them.

Jokes Too Shitty to Illustrate

These lame jokes aren’t worth wasting ink on, but blogging technology allows me to shove every shitty idea I have into your eyeholes. So please use your mind grapes and imaginate a cartoon McCain dancing seductively and singing Fergie’s “My Humps,” except he’s singing something about his lumps, his lovely cancer lumps.

Get it? He’s OLD, and SICKLY. And he picked a fucking loon to replace him should the sweet lord Jesus send him to God’s POW camp in the sky.

Also, Palin sounds exactly like a British person who’s mocking us.

Jen’s There Too

I should’ve noted in my previous post about Ward Sutton’s fake cartoonist character Kelly that the non-fictional* Jen Sorensen of Slowpoke fame is also in Denver doing some excellent blogging for C-Ville Weekly. And Tom Tomorrow’s doing the same for the New Haven Advocate.

Which leads me to ask: Why didn’t The Phoenix send me? I can twitter as good as David Bernstein. There’s a notebook full of mile-high-club dick jokes I have to throw out now.

*As far as I know, Jen is a real person. She could be an elaborate Andy Kaufman-esque performance art piece, but she stayed in character even while crashing on my inflata-bed.