KFC’s UK Crimes

They don’t have the Double Down here, but I’ve seen countless ads for this monstrosity:

So many shapes and colors (and tastes, presumably) that don’t appear in nature. But the real crime here is the terrible copy. Why the pun? Are fajitas associated with hip hop culture over here, or with go-go girls? I’m so confused.

There are also lots of Pizza Huts and McDonalds in central London, which we probably sent over in retaliation for their burning of the White House in the War of 1812.

Future Fatty Foods

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Inspired by the Double Down’s recent emergence from the cholesterol-clogged gates of hell, I returned to the subject of extreme food, which simultaneously appalls and fascinates me.

I’m not a food prude; I love cheese and pig meat. But things are getting crazy in the garbage-food industry. Baconators, the Heart Attack Grill, and any new food Dunkin’ Donuts has come up with in the last few years take a perverse pride in the unhealthiness of their products. At least the tobacco industry had the decency to downplay the awfulness of their products.

It’s your digestive system and arteries and you can eat whatever you want. It’s none of my business if your only exercise is spending hours squeezing out five pounds of garbage on the toilet.

Extreme food requires extreme cooking, which is something Jen covered a couple weeks ago.

Why not skip the combo meal today and buy the Big Fat Whale book? It’s full of comics, and after you’re done reading them, you can eat the pages to clear out your impacted colon.

Next Week: Public Disservice Announcements

The Colonel Wants You

We’re just days away from Kentucky Fried Chicken’s newest awful thing, the Double Down, a bacon and cheese sandwich made with two pieces of fried chicken instead of bread. We shouldn’t call it a chicken sandwich, because that’s not how the -sandwich syntax works.

If you hadn’t heard of this culinary abomination, here’s the commercial.

Along with their sadness bowls, KFC has abandoned its core mission of making tasty fried chicken. Taco Bell did a similar thing when they shifted focus from making tacos to wrapping baby shit in a soft shell tortilla.

Bread Town

Bread Town
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This was inspired in part by Domino’s Bread Bowl Pastas, one of the more recent disgusting developments in food-science gone horribly wrong. I originally wanted to link right to Domino’s menu, but somehow added one of those monstrosities to a shopping cart. Fearing one could be delivered to my home at any moment, I deleted the cookies, closed the browser, and vowed to never return to their slice (Get it? Of course you do, College.) of the web.

The only thing you should eat out of a bread bowl is a nice soup, preferably a chowder or a bisque. Anything else is gross, or as Breadgiver once decreed “Eater shall not eat bread bowls, unless it is to sop up the juices.”

NEVER FORGET: 8 years ago, buying shit was our patriotic duty. After you’re done reliving that awful day, take a moment to buy Fun Stuff for Dum-Dums. For America.

Next Week: Kennedy’s Seat

Failed Food Revue

Failed Food Revue
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Here’s something I slapped together while nursing my New Year’s hangover. That’s why there’s an “Airline coffee sure is bad!” hack joke in there. At least it has stink lines. Stink lines make everything better. Next time you’re paying a bill, draw stink lines and flies on the check. You’ll feel good!

As for the new year itself, it hasn’t been so happy. Big Fat Whale has been dropped from two papers since Thanksgiving. On the plus side, not wanting to starve will give me extra motivation to make things for you to buy. (If you still have a job by then.)

Next Week: So Long Bush & Cheney

Recession Recipes

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Let’s hope our economic troubles stick around for a while, because I could save a lot of time if this was a recurring bit.

There’s still time to buy stuff from the store, but I’m all out of LARGE t-shirts. A new, snazzier design might come along in 2009 if there’s enough interest.

Next Week: The Forgotten College Comedy Goofballz