This Old Republican

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The debt ceiling debate is the stupidest fucking thing since the last stupid fucking thing. A sane person would have never allowed the economy to be held hostage by a bunch of rich jerks. But Obama’s either a chump, or a rich jerk. Either way, he now owns the second recession that will probably become a full-blown depression by next year.

There’s this thing called 9+% unemployment, that’s been hanging around for what, 3 years?  No one’s doing jack shit about it, because, uh, I haven’t figured that out yet.

Palin’s Boston History

Famous stupid person Sarah Palin said a dumb thing about Paul Revere’s ride.

Evacuation Day is a real thing here in Boston, and it celebrates when the British left Boston, ending an eleven month siege. Obviously it’s more obscure than Paul Revere, and even those of normal intelligence wouldn’t know about it, but I’ll never let the facts get in the way of a good poop joke, for LIBERTY!

I’m Walkin’ Ovah Heah!

I’m sure I have “Sidewalk Rage,” if that’s even a thing, but why do slow-walkers get a pass from that fuckin’ article? The disabled and anyone with a kid who can no longer fit in a bjorn have obvious excuses, and I’ll make exceptions for tourists when I make the dumb decision to visit a touristy part of town (Fenway, and that’s about it.), but a regular ol’ adult who walks slowly just to smell the fuckin’ roses? Fuck that selfish asshole.

The best advice comes at the very end of the article:

Most people tend to look down as they walk. That’s a mistake, says Mehdi Moussaid, a cognitive scientist at the University of Toulouse who models walkers’ behavior on public sidewalks and was an author of the PLoS One study. Some of his advice: Look up and take a wide-angle view to catch openings and slip through.

Cool tip, scientist. I think you’ve been watching too much Arrested Development.

On a serious note, unless you’re in New York City, there isn’t enough sidewalk space in cities to accommodate everyone, hence the anger. And as mad as I get at sidewalk slowpokes, it’s nothing compared to the shitheads from the suburbs who demand multiple lanes and on-street parking that cut into my precious sidewalk real estate.

Where the Democratic Base is Hiding

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Of course the Democrats have done nothing to inspire my support lately, but these Tea Party morons have driven me away from political coverage entirely. They’ve shifted political debate so far from reasonable territory, anyone who engages with them is only contributing to the farce. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to my bunker to watch Idiocracy.

Next Week: Lifestyles of the Internet Famous

Anti-Immigrant Stupor

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Even if there weren’t a ton of shitty, under-the-table jobs waiting for them when they get here, illegal immigrants could still find work as scapegoats for everything morons are mad about.

The dumb, angry mobs used to get pissed at the rich and unscrupulous corporations when things went to shit. Now they just get pissed at those who are even poorer and browner than themselves.

Next Week: Tween Beat

Insane Physicist Posse

Color pixels arranged on your screen in a comical fashion? It’s a fuckin’ magical miracle you neden heads!

If you missed the ICP un-science anthem that swept the web last week, here it is:

The CDC should force Faygo to print basic, grade-school level science facts on their labels.

I’ve covered the Large Hadron Collider before. It’s still a few years from operating at full “fuck particles way the fuck up” power, but it looks like it’s now safe from time-traveling, probability-bending ripples.

My Day at the Tea Party

Boston’s socialist Common was occupied by the Tea Party today to protest socialism and melanin. I stopped by for a couple hours and soaked up the stupid.

There were a decent amount of people there, probably a couple thousand, but I’d guess half were rubberneckers like myself or counter-protesters. Even if you lump us all in the same count, it was nowhere near the size of the Iraq War protest seven (!) years ago.

More pictures after the jump!

Continue reading My Day at the Tea Party

Texas Textbook Excerpts

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Due to the economics of textbook publishing, a couple morons on the Texas Board of Education get to determine the contents of textbooks that are used in schools throughout the country. The entire horrifying process is documented in this NY Times Magazine article. It’s similar to how California’s emissions standards set the bar for all cars sold in the US, except Texas is lowering the bar, turning it into a retarded pole on the ground.

There is some hope at the end of the article, which says that one of the leaders of the dumbification movement, Don McLeroy (AKA Don “That Fuckin’ Dum-Dum” McLeroy), is facing a serious challenge from moderate Republican Thomas Ratliff. But who knows. In Texas, isn’t a moderate Republican someone who believes Jesus and Dinosaurs coexisted, but he never rode one?

The election of Scott Brown forces me to issue this disclaimer: Not all Texans are retards, but enough of ’em vote, just like here in good ol’ Massachusetts, the Bay State of Stupid.

While researching this cartoon, I discovered the “official” website for Footprints in the Sand. It’s INSANE. I’m not prone to giving out free ideas, but someone over there should contact Thomas Kinkade about painting some light coming out of some motherfucking Jesus-footprints.

ANNOYING PLUGS FROM A DESPERATE MAN: Please buy the Big Fat Whale book, Fun Stuff for Dum-Dums, and follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

Next Week: The Worst Ads on the Web

Town Hall Smack Down!

Town Hall Smack Down!
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Is Smack Down one or two words? TRICK QUESTION! I don’t care.

Thanks to Barney Frank, the nutbars at these things are starting to get the lack of respect they deserve. Now if only adults were allowed to speak at these things. Maybe something like a childproof cap placed over the microphones can make that happen. This would make Republican town halls incredibly silent, but that’s a feature, not a bug.

BOSTON AREA: The beer, slideshow, and booksigning is just one week away. Saturday, August 29, 4-7pm @ The Burren in Davis Square Somerville. Tell your friends. Bring your friends. Trick a stranger into thinking he’s your friend and bring him too!

Next Week: Inchworm!