Earth Day Tips and Facts

I only know two things about Earth Day: 1) It was founded by a man named Gaylord. 2) And around this time of year, hippies with disgusting bathrooms say, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.”

But since talking about saving the environment, as opposed to actually doing anything about it, is so popular this time of year, I’ve come up with a few simple strategies that could help our dying shitball of planet.

Don’t Reheat Leftover Pizza

If you couldn’t eat it all when it was fresh, tough shit. Cold pizza’s pretty good. Heating it up is a waste of resources AND gets burnt cheese all over the toaster oven.

No More Electric Vending Machines

Take them all off the grid, and hook them up to a bicycle/generator setup. Anyone who really wants a candy bar should have to work for it.

XXX Plastic Bags

Some municipalities impose a tax on those annoying and wasteful plastic shopping bags. Much like the itty bitty 5 cent bottle deposit, this is not enough of an incentive to get folks off the plastic pony and onto those yuppie-ass tote bags. Instead, all plastic bags should be printed to look like they came from a giant dildo warehouse. A law would be passed so that people who refuse to buy a tote bag, and continue to use these XXX plastic bags, can legally be slapped in the face with any dildos passers-by may be holding.

Genetically Engineering Triffid-People

If a branch can grow in some Russian dude, it shouldn’t be too hard to shove some chloroplasts into human skin cells, either physically, or through genetic manipulation. Mitochondria have been the darling of animal cell endosymbiosis for too long. Fix this, mad scientists!

Once we get these photosynthesizing tree-people going, they can live in all the polluted, shitty parts of the world, and happily convert the oppressive sunlight and CO2 into energy. We could then harness their energy into sweatshop labor. This would free up the regular, non-tree-people from their sweatshop drudgery, strengthing them for mankind’s inevitable battle with the triffid-people.

If we win that battle, we get plant-slaves and cleaner air. If we lose and mankind is consumed by the tree-monsters it created, Earth still wins.