Wilderness Survival Guide

Wilderness Survival Guide
click for comic

I’m going camping this weekend, and I wrote this comic to prepare myself. By the time you read this, I’ll probably be deep in the New Hampshire woods, getting mauled by a Libertarian bear.

Don’t use this guide until you’re wearing Mr. P’s stylish wilderness color schemes. Yellow slickers and safety orange are for assholes.

Bostonish Folks: Read all about the August 29th Big Fat Whale Event!

Next Week: Awful Comic Book Villains

The Great Pandemic Panic & Flu Freakout

Pandemic Panic & Flu Freakout
click for comic

People went nuts for that flu shit last week, huh? I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly people quit freaking out, even if it means this cartoon is as stale as a white, sun-baked dog turd.

This is the second time I referenced 2 Girls, 1 Cup in the comic this year. It’s kinda hacky, I confess. But unless my internetting skills failed me, I believe it’s still the reigning champ of viral nastiness.

Matt’s Swine Flu cartoon points out that a more lethal killer lurks in our driveways, and we and the media couldn’t care less.

I’m too busy to write out a long-winded treatise on how the public and media poorly understand epidemiology. Instead, below the fold, here’s every video mentioned in this cartoon, except the nasty one. No one wants that. Continue reading The Great Pandemic Panic & Flu Freakout

The World at My Sphincter-tips

As part of a Twitter joke at the Globe’s expense, I made a link to Google News results for the word fart. Turns out farts are frequently in the news. I have since subscribed to the feed for that page. It is fascinating. I have also done the same for feces.

TANGENT: I don’t mean to be a feces populist, but if you spell it faeces, who you foolin’? No amount of fancy spelling is going to make anyone forget you’re talking about shitting. Just call it ass-daisies if you’re too delicate for shit.

As for the Globe, its situation is really not funny. It’s like a bizarro Seattle, where the PI is replaced with a paper from Boston, the bizarro-Seattle. Don’t believe me? Both are liberal, coastal cities, but Seattle’s Big Dig might not happen, and unlike Kurt Cobain, the members of Aerosmith didn’t commit suicide, which they should have, after their first album.

Boston Space Savahs

Boston Space Savahs
click for comic

Since the cartoon is currently only appearing in New England weeklies, I went with a topic that probably doesn’t make sense in parts of the world where snow doesn’t turn people into mega-Massholes.

Space squatting has been epidemic here in the Boston area for decades, but this winter it’s especially bad since the snow’s been piling up for weeks. This practice was only officially sanctioned a couple years ago, and technically only applies for 48 hours following a significant snowfall. But that doesn’t stop people from defending their little slices of street like pioneer homesteaders. Actually, they should be forced to build a shack on their space to prove their claim, instead of using whatever rubbish is lying around.

You might’ve noticed I tweaked the layout of the site a bit to accommodate ads from Project Wonderful. It’s a pretty cool and open system that lets people bid on advertising spaces. So if you’ve got something to pitch to the folks who read BFW, place a bid. Right now it’s super-cheap since it hasn’t collected much traffic data.

Next Week: Internet Non-Sensations

Cavalcade of Fart Jokes

click for comic

When someone is unfamiliar with my comic strip and asks what it’s about, I tell them that it’s a series of illustrated fart jokes. It makes me sound more fun than a dude who bitches and moans all the goddamn time. Also because I don’t like getting dragged into political discussions. That shit is boring:

Blah, blah, my opinions! I don’t like certain aspects of our government! Let’s uncomfortably disagree about things!

No thanks to that.

Next Week: Rejected McCain Running Mates

7 Steps to a Cooler You

click for comic

For those who are unaware, I’m going to crush your blissful bubble of ignorance, and inform you of the existence of the steampunk fad. I argue that they’re even lamer than furries, in that at least furries get off. Steamdudes and dudettes just get a smug pretentious tingle in their nether regions for all their efforts.

If you’re into fancying up all your shit to make it look old timey, you are not a punk. You are a fop. I’ll stop before this turns into a Jeff Foxworthy bit. Chronic masturbators could also benefit from this nomenclature scheme and start calling themselves wankpunks. Then they’d be featured on a popular blog with pictures of the elaborate masturbatory devices they’ve constructed, or hacked, to use the parlance of some enthusiastic nerds. [ed. A joke about Disney World should go here.]

I would’ve busted out an equation proving the Fonzarelli Effect exists, but I’ll just say that it is mitigated by the Screech Quotient when both are factored into the Osmond matrix. So it’s not really worth my time. You can do it for extra credit if you want. But show your work!

For more thoughts on the very important subject of coolness, check out Jen’s strip for this week.

Next Week: Smears, Gaffes, and Laffs

Ineffective Public Service Announcements

Title panel
click for comic

I got the idea to do fake PSAs from Abell’s cartoon last week. I wasn’t going to cover the pharmaceutical angle like he did, but after doing some YouTube research, I couldn’t help using those adorable singing pills.

Next Week: 22 Cent Book Bin

Below are clips of the PSAs that inspired this cartoon. Continue reading Ineffective Public Service Announcements

Journal of Obscure Medical Conditions

Dick and shit jokes, yet somehow I have the nerve to mock “Family Guy.” I’m one elitist douchebag all right.

From the Mailbag:

Regarding this week’s cartoon, Dudley informs me:

RE: Constant Sarcasm Disorder

I seem to remember this disorder from an old Kids in the Hall sketch (I guess that means I have Humour Blindness [we include the extra letter in Australia]).


And my reply:


Drat! As I was writing it, I was so convinced I was ripping of the Mr. Show sketch “sarcastic letter writer” that when I checked my DVD, I didn’t even think I was ripping off Kids in the Hall.

Since you remembered it, you certainly don’t have Humor Blindness. (I leave the superfluous ‘u’ out because I love America, eagles, and freedom fries.) You have what’s known as acute Humor Sensitivity.

Thanks for the heads-up,

PS: I hear you’ve got a great big rock down there.

Unlike Dane Cook, I do my best to avoid using material that I’ve heard somewhere else. I don’t remember the sketch, so it may also be a case of convergent thinking. But I’ve consumed tons of comedy over the years and this could have easily slipped through. Also the fact that I don’t own the Kids’ DVDs might have helped.

Next Week: Kids Say the Most Pragmatic Things: Vol. III