World Cup Liveblog: England vs. USA

Thanks, everybody for following along and hitting refresh in my shameless grab for pageviews. I actually really enjoyed the game, and can totally see the appeal. If only MLS was played anywhere near the level of what I just watched. I might do another liveblog with Friday’s Slovenia game, but I’ll have to wake up early and bone up on my Slovenian stereotypes first.

4:25 And it ends with a tie. This special relationship smells fishy to me.

4:22 Even with stoppage time, this shit’s running a lot faster than any Red Sox vs. Yankees game I’ve ever seen.

4:15 Why doesn’t America love soccer? Who gives a shit. Why doesn’t the rest of the world love MONSTER TRUCKS?

4:04 That bastard was acting harder than John Gielgud for that foul.

3:54 Are any Hobbits from the Shire playing in this thing?

3:45 I’d rather listen to every episode of American Idol simultaneously rather than endure this cacophony of vuvuzelas any longer.

3:36 The only thing lamer than yellow cards would be a time-out in the corner.

3:31 Lite Beer commercials making fun of girly-men? If you’re drinking lite beer, you might as well be douching with Yoplait.

3:24 I could get used to this commercials-only-at-the-half dealio. No Bob and his fucking discount furniture.

3:21 Every cutaway to David Beckham I have to remind myself that he was an athlete, and not some random Abercrombie & Fitch lookin’ dude the cameraman’s crushing on.

3:11 Woo-fucking-hoo! On a dribbler Bill Buckner could’ve snagged, to boot!

3:08 This last five or six minutes illustrates why soccer hasn’t caught on. I’ve read EVERYTHING on this bottle of beer while they’ve been going back and forth.

3:01 Cleats to the tit. I think we just found the new waterboarding.

2:54 Start calling this “grass hockey” and viewership will go way up.

2:50 Close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and money shots.

2:47 Actually hoping for a tie. What kind of pussy am I turning into?!

2:42 No District 9 aliens in the crowd? Not cool, South Africa.

2:38 A real foul! Not some phantom acting bullshit!

2:34 Outlook, not so good.

2:27 Oh yeah, our national anthem is all about how those guys failed to take Baltimore, that humid shithole.

2:18 Subway for breakfast! Nothin’ says “Good morning” like microwaved turds.

2:13 Comcast’s basic, legally-required to provide over-the-air HD signals are shit. Constantly stuttering. Switched to the rabbit ears, and PERFECTO! XFinity is marketing speak for shit.

2:06 Are there mascots at this thing? If not, I propose a giant pig on a mobility scooter to represent USA.

1:57 Knight and Day looks like the worst fucking thing in the world.

1:46 If USA loses, I hope someone pulls a “The Patriot” and stabs England’s goalie with an American Flag.

1:39 Alexi Lalas is all grown up and no longer looks like that hippie from the Spin Doctors.

1:30 ‘Gansett in the fridge. Watching the pre-game. Hoping the mysterious extra time won’t make me late for my sis’s cookout and Flag Day fireworks.

This is me, in 1986, the last time I gave a shit about soccer, or as you fer’ners call it, footsieballz. My two or three years in BYSA were the peak of my team sports involvement, even including my stint on the championship-winning intramural Ultimate Frisbee team in college.

Since FIFA decided to have the England vs. USA game at a reasonable hour for me, and I’ve got nothing better going on this afternoon, I’m going to liveblog the shit out of it. Check back before kickoff (is that what it’s called?) for my lazy-weekend quippery!

1:46 If USA loses, I hope someone pulls a “The Patriot” and stabs England’s goalie with an American Flag.