Breakfast of Scumbags


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I’m not equating Jay Leno’s dick move to Pat Robertson’s vile nutjobbery about the earthquake in Haiti, but both things got me mad last week. I can multitask and compartmentalize my anger.

Obviously, Haiti is important, and who’s hosting what late night chat show isn’t. I don’t have much to say about Haiti, since I enjoy making jokes and there’s nothing funny about human suffering and the collapse of an entire nation.

If you can help out more than you already have, my pal and colleague Ruben Bolling has offered up his talents for a worthy cause. Check it out.

Now on to The Tonight Show. If you’re a fan of absurd comedy, and you’re reading this, so you probably are, you know the whole deal and are solidly in Coco’s Corner. Those who aren’t already, just watch this clip and you will be:

Jay’s 2004 Announcement

Jay Leno is a hack and a liar. The only things that bring him joy are telling jokes that put old folks to sleep and fucking the exhaust pipes of steam-powered old-timey cars with his freakish chin.

I’d give Conan another lengthy handjob on my blog, but I did that less than a year ago when he left Late Night. His Tonight Show suffered from a terrible lead in, The Jay Leno Show, and way too many boring celebrity guests taking up valuable comedy time. If NBC had any class, they would have let Conan retool the show over the Olympics hiatus before shitcanning him and losing tens of millions of dollars. But that is too much to expect from the same network that ran a fucking The Office clip show last night.

It’s going to be a while before Conan emerges from his contractual deep-freeze, but wherever he ends up, he’s going to be hilarious. And I’ll be watching. (And gunning for a job on the writing staff.)

I can’t talk about this whole late night debacle without mentioning David Letterman, who invented late night comedy that is actually funny. He has been mean, hilarious, and sincere for decades, especially throughout this whole mess.

And now that I mentioned Letterman, I have to acknowledge Stewart and Colbert. They’re all great, and it sucks that their shows all air in the same one hour block. I can’t DVR or Hulu all of ’em and still have time to dick around with this comic strip.

Next Week: Corporate Persons

Leno-Hatin’ Liveblog

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Tune in to this space, or follow me on Twitter at 10pm tonight as I bitch and moan throughout Jay Leno’s debut in his brand-new timeslot. Will I survive? Will comedy? Let’s find out!

UPDATE: I’m glad that’s over. I was surprised how similar it was to his Tonight Show. The whole thing seemed even lazier and half-assed than usual, but they barely changed anything. Same bits. Same sets. Same awful non-comedy.

I’m not surprised. But it was nice to reaffirm that I don’t hate the guy for no good reason.

Now if only I could figure out a way to get Conan to lay off the “Celebrity Surveys.”

11:00 And so concludes “Brian yells at the TV and clutters up your feed for an hour.” The Daily Show is back! I’ll be quiet until morning.

10:59 At least Jay closed strong with an Engrish joke about poon.

10:58 He’s doing this at a desk. I was told there would be no desks.

10:52 HEADLINES! YAY! I LOVE TYPOS AND GIVING MY BRAIN HUMOR-AIDS.

10:48 I’m too old and can’t hear any of this music. Uh-huh. Yeaaah. What? That’s right!

10:45 I am here to mock Jay Leno, but now I want to solve Kanye’s skull puzzle!

10:43 The Office promo has given me a reason to LIVE!

10:39 Who needs Jon Stewart when Jay Leno is making pastry puns to Obama?

10:33 My Leno-hating has sent one follower packing. No time for me when there are wacky headlines to read!

10:30 HALFWAY DONE! (Although frighteningly enough, the front of the show will be better than the back.)

10:28 The Secret AND Leno? Now I have to rank the reasons why I hate Oprah?

10:26 Seinfeld is right. Robin Williams would’ve been a better fit.

10:23 Heroes: Lost for the Leno set.

10:20 Broad Musical Improv! Prop comedy for your earballs!

10:15 Was Wayne Brady too expensive for this bit?

10:14 I’d like to think Jeffrey Tambor’s disapproving look in The Hangover clip knew what a shitpile segment he was being included in.

10:13 Now back to the Mediocrity-dome.

10:12 Commercial Break: Patriots!

10:09 If I hate Kevin Eubanks, does that make me racist?

10:05 TEXTING! AHAHAHA! Oh, Leno! So topical.

10:03 No fucking Conan apology?! You chin-faced turd.

10:02 This shit looks just like the old Tonight Show.

The ‘X’ in “David X Cohen” Stands for “seXy”

It’s now official. Futurama‘s stint as a half-TV, half-movie, straight to DVD Frankenstein was enough to bring it back to life with a full season order by Comedy Central.

Let us now hold hands and say “Hooray!” in Zoidberg’s voice.

Now to figure out how this obscure alt-weekly cartoonist can get Matt Groening and his head writer to know I exist.