Campaign 2024

Just a quick format note before I proceed with the blathering. I have been making strictly black and white versions of the cartoons, without any grayscale in them, to make the awful task of photocopying the comics a little bit easier. That was time consuming and pointless since I submit everything electronically anyway. After some fiddling with my printer, I found that this version looks just fine at high resolutions. But if you see the cartoon in print, I’d appreciate your input on the legibility and crispness (crispiness?) of the images in this new format.

When I wrote this cartoon, I had no idea Kristof wrote this article. I no likey the reading the Op-eds of douchebags. But I was clued into it later with Atrios’ commentary about it. And then this week’s Frontline was all about Bush and the moral certitude he enjoys thanks to being Born Again. I have stumbled upon a current events issue purely by accident. And all I wanted to do was draw robots.

The idea for this comic was blatantly ripped off of Michael Newdow’s comments in front of the Supreme Court regarding the Pledge of Allegiance hoopla. Surprisingly, the best account of his argument I can find is here, on I probably just haven’t looked very hard. Basically he talked about how atheists are marginalized, with the court claiming that sticking “Under God” into everything is cool, because Christians, Jews, and Muslims all believe in some dude who tells them what to do. Another point Newdow made was how no atheist could ever be taken seriously as a presidential candidate. This comment got an applause break.

Anyway, I believe that if given the choice, most people would vote for a robot that could recite the Bible instead of an atheist who actually knew what he was doing. I am atheist, and even I agree that atheism sucks and can scare a lot of people. It presents our world as a pretty bleak existential nightmare, but that is reality. There’s no epic battle between good an evil either. People are shitty because cro-magnon man did not effectively breed out douchebags from our genepool.

I can understand why people don’t like to know that there are people out there who think that when they die, they cease to exist. It makes their beliefs less certain, or at least threatens to. I am not dead, so your guess is as good as mine, but the dead certainly don’t wear sandals and haunt the lives of children like Grandpa in Family Circus. As an atheist, I don’t care what you believe, just don’t try to validate your beliefs by imposing them on me, my money, or by sticking the ten commandments in the federal courthouse I may have to visit once I snap and kill everyone in an Applebee’s.

Gary Leupp makes a much better argument than me.

Believe it or not, the robot isn’t supposed to be Bush. I think he really believes God made him president, and all of those dumb religious platitudes are the only heartfelt things he says. And that’s ten times more frightening than a president who keeps his faith to himself and just does his Sunday morning church photo-op.

For the Folks in Baltimore

Sure you live Baltimore, it sucks. But for just this weekend, it will suck less. Patton Oswalt and Zach Galifianakis will be at Frazier’s. They are not coming to Boston. So for just this weekend, Bawlmer is the better city and I envy you.

If you pick up tickets at Atomic Books, why not pick up a copy of Erotic Scrimshaw while you’re there? And how about a few other random comic books too.

And while you’re on your way to Hampden, stop by 2900 Wyman Pkwy and tell a random guy you’re there to inspect their risk management policy.

One last Baltimore note. John Waters is going to be at the Coolidge Corner Theater, but it costs thirty bucks. If anyone’s seen it, is his one man show worth it? Or should I just rent Pecker?

Secret Service Publicity Please

Why does the Secret Service waste its time harassing a high school student? There are plenty of starving cartoonist types who hate the president out there. Most of them could use a little taxpayer funded publicity.

And by ‘them’ I mean me. There’s got to be a few in the Secret Service who want to take a break from hunting down counterfeiters and shoving hippies into free speech zones. I’m easy to subdue and will gladly lick their jackboots if it means a few hundred more people will get to see my cartoons.

Kerry’s Medals

I’m running really far behind on this week’s cartoon, but I need a break and I’ll make this quick rambling post. All this attention on whether or not Kerry earned his first purple heart and what he might’ve done with it when he got back is pretty fucking stupid.

At the very least, every newscast covering this hyped-up pseudo scandal should feature an inset picture of President Fucktard from 1972, the one with his beaming dopey coke head smile, and his hair messed up by the Kennebunkport breeze.

Also, Lieberman, shut the fuck up. The people have spoken, and no one wants to hear from you.

Sorry in advance, this week’s cartoon will feature another political cartoon, but it will also feature robots.

The Culture War

click for more cartoons

I got distracted last week with the nice weather and couldn’t really come up with anything. As a result, I did a cartoon about the Janet Jackson hoopla that is so old, even Leno stopped making jokes about it. Hopefully I added enough stuff so it doesn’t reek of hackiness.

I know those old timey bathing suits always leave the shin exposed, but “I was just a little boy when the bloomers portion of her bathing suit popped out.” seemed a little too wordy, even for me. I tried really hard to work in a reference to the bathing suit guy from the board game “Mouse Trap,” but I failed spectacularly.


Beer pitchman Bob Odenkirk has finally updated his thingy.

And if you haven’t been reading it already, I recommend checking out Louis CK’s weblog. He just finished a pilot and is driving back to the normal coast documenting all of it with photos and hilarious tangents that have nothing to do with the trip.

I still have no idea what next week’s cartoon is going to be. I need to figure out a way to get you people to do the writing of a comic at least once a year, like Keith Knights’s Life’s Little Victories, or Derf’s True Stories. I’ll set up an exploratory commitee next week to figure out where I should go with this new buck-passing initiative.

GlaxoWellcome Now Known as GlaxoFuckYou

I was attacked by a barrage of GlaxoSmithKline’s pharmaceutical commercials when I was taking my Sunday dose of Law & Order: Criminal Intent. They’re incredibly disingenuous, claiming that their profits all go to developing drugs for horrible diseases. I’m guessing it’s an attempt to guilt the elderly into accepting that affordable health care will kill babies, who exist only in the future.

Just look at the front page of their website. It features up to the minute stock info, 2003’s financial results, as well as news about companies they’ve recently acquired. There is no web cam showing the lab where scientists are working at a feverish pace to cure AIDS, Cancer, or Chronic Lethargic Flatulence(CLF). Obviously, a significant portion of their corporate profits (earned off the sickness of others) go to their shareholders. I’m not an investigative journalist, but I’m pretty sure a hefty portion of grandma’s pain pills also paid for some executive’s kick ass benefits. I call shenanigans on GlaxoSmithKline, and I’m doubly pissed that they’re no longer GlaxoWellcome. That name is about as ironic as it gets, until Halliburton becomes HalliBidFair.

I won’t blather on about health care, my wonk powers aren’t that strong. But if you’re ambitious, here’s an article that covers just about everything.

Tonight’s Adult Education Classes

This week’s cartoon is mostly foolish nonsense. “Deconstructing the Teen Sex Comedy” and my displeasure with elderlies trying to use the grocery self-checkout have been ideas I’ve been trying to work into a comic strip for almost a year. I finally had to exorcise these demons to make room for more stupid ideas and the learning annex premise seemed good enough.

All of the other panels were hastily thrown together. I learned a valuable life lesson while illustrating the milk crate gag, and that is to never put myself in a situation where I have to draw a milk crate again. They are awful. I started out wanting to draw the wine bottles nicely stacked in the crate, but gave up and went with instruction manual instead. That Free Art Test is bullshit. Send me a drawing of a milk crate and I will be able to tell if you have the goods.

Dittoheads are always funny. If you don’t believe me, listen to The O’Franken Factor and wait for Mark Luther to call. Yesterday he made an argument that opposing Bush’s tax cut, but filing taxes anyway was the same as being opposed to child porn, but buying it if it were legal. Comedy gold!

Just a few posts down, I lambast Family Guy for using obscure eighties references as punchlines, knowing I stuck a Blind Fury reference into this week’s cartoon. I am a hypocrite. You can punch me in the stomach.

Alton Brown is the coolest person on TV, possibly in the entire world. The joke is about jackasses like myself who think they know how to cook because they remember a few things he said. I can go on and on about how you’re supposed to sear your meat, then heat it. Otherwise it’ll dry out and be gross. But I won’t. Watch his show!

The current trend of Law & Order actors shilling for investment companies illustrates how stupid advertising firms think the public is. Here is what they think will happen in our heads: “Jack McCoy and Adam Schiff sure are smart district attorneys and win a lot of their cases. I bet their economic advice is rock solid!”

“Are there sandwiches in heaven?” is the kind of stupid question that would make my day if I actually overheard someone asking it. It’s kind of tiny in this version, but I really like the idea of religious wackos trying to classify sandwiches based on good and evil. For the record, the Reuben is my favorite sandwich. I made it evil because I am a rebel.

Links Page Update

Just a quick note to let you know I updated the links page on BFW. Looking at the humor links might lead you to believe I’m some sort of comedy misogynist, but none of the funny ladies have websites. I checked Google for the following names, and no official sites showed up for any of them.

Mary Lynn Rajskub
Karen Kilgariff
Sarah Silverman
Laura Kightlinger
Janeane Garofalo

They should take a break from making babies and make websites! Zing!