Month: July 2004

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This is obviously a parody of The Goonies. I originally wanted to do a cartoon with Massachusetts Jones looking for the lost Free Speech Zone, but as soon as I thought of drawing Cheney as Anne Ramsey, I had no choice.

This comic reflects my conflicting views. I loathe the concept of Free Speech Zones, but equally detest kids from the suburbs who put on a show that really has no chance to affect change. The DNC Free Speech Zone was just meters away from the Fleet Center, but there was no escape from all the drama queens comparing it to some kind of gulag. You could freely leave and express your opinions anywhere as long as you did it in a civilized way. I’m a leading advocate of locking up anyone who thinks a papier mache effigy is going to change the world. Come up with a convincing argument that wasn’t lifted from Chomsky or Zinn and then maybe I’ll listen to you, if I can stand the smell.

Five people, dressed normally, and quietly holding a poster or banner, are infinitely more credible and likely to sway public opinion than fifty bandana clad tools chanting some kind of silly slogan. Dollars to donuts, they do it for the attention, or they are retarded.

One last aside on hippies. If you think the two party system is flawed, and that there’s no difference between the two, do you really think electing a third party president will change anything? He or she would still have to work with a hostile congress dominated by Democrats and Republicans. What you’d need to do is help third party candidates get elected on the local level, and build the infrastructure that can run and finance federal campaigns. The Greens were starting to do that, but Nader took a big ol’ dump on any credibility they had. It’s certainly not going to happen any time soon. It requires a lot more work than coming up with a pithy t-shirt, and 35-year-old burnouts rarely do that.

The comic itself is basically scenes from the movie. Since it’s a cinematic masterpiece, I couldn’t go wrong. I hope I captured the ridiculousness of Free Speech Zones and the even more ridiculous douchebags who think chanting in them is going to do anything.

I have no idea what’s going on for the Republican National Convention, but I suspect the Free Speech Zone will be a lot farther away and the demonstrators will be in much greater numbers. And thanks to the WTO Seattle morons and the scare-mongering news which has equated all protests with violence, I’m sure the police presence is going to be insane.

For anyone concerned with Goonie news, Blog has become the definitive source on the Goonie sequel, which looks dead for now. However, the Goonie generation is still in its twenties and earlier thirties. The time for our kitschy nostalgia driven remakes is probably ten years away. We can only hope that our generation’s Ben Stiller will reveal himself in time.

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This week’s commentary is going to be brief. I’m scrambling to get next week’s cartoon done before I skip town and experience levels of humidity my pasty buttocks haven’t seen in years.

It’s not like this cartoon requires any insightful commentary anyway. The only thing that might be necessary is to note that Jeffrey Jones is a real person. He’s probably most famous for playing the principal in Ferris Bueller. At least until recently, when he became the latest celebrity pederast.

I guess I have standards or something, since I didn’t make it a pedophile bus tour. I went with frotteurism instead. Perhaps because it is the only form of sexual harassment that has been officially declared hilarious by the National Organization for Women.

All the rest are self-explanatory dumb jokes. I apologize for the emphasis on East Coast vacation spots, but I haven’t traveled west of Indiana. I haven’t even seen the world’s largest ball of anything. I’m just an uncultured savage who’s been to the Louvre more times than Branson, MO.

Next Week: For those of you who are a lot younger or older than me, and those who are my age, but grew up in the former Soviet bloc, make sure to rent the greatest film of 1985. There’s a pretty stupid parody coming down the fun pipe.

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Writing this commentary is going to be kind of difficult since this comic strip has a week’s worth of stink on it. It’s obviously inspired by the scientists who accused the Bush Administration of ignoring scientific facts way back in February. This article from a couple weeks ago about how they’re only letting witch doctors and faith healers represent America was the kick in the pants that finally got me to do a cartoon about the fate of science in our once smart nation.

The title panel is my attempt to tell a joke without words. See, they’re scientists who can’t figure out why the light’s out. If re-elected, the Bush Administration will declare that electricity is no longer caused by the conversion of energy, but simply created by Jesus, who’s constantly running on a treadmill up in Heaven.

I must confess that Dr. Fad and Mr. Wizard were not actually signatories to the February letter. I swear there was an official Mr. Wizard website when I wrote this cartoon, that’s where I found the picture of him. It’s been just two weeks and almost all Google traces of him have been eliminated. What happened to Don Herbert? I need to know! He taught me how to be the nerdiest four year old in the entire universe. Levar Burton also helped.

Dr. Fad is not important to me. I caught his show maybe once or twice. But he is still committed to that octopus outfit. I respect that.

I thought it would be easy to think of a bunch of actors who are typecast as scientists, but Jeff Goldblum seems to have cornered the market. I couldn’t think of anyone else, but a coalition of just Jeff seemed kind of sad. So I stuck him with what’s supposed to be the doctor from Stargate SG-1, because I am a nerd and think of her when I think “random TV scientist.”

There are still flat Earth theorists out there. They are dumber than creationists, because they actually put effort into coming up with their stupid ideas instead of just blindly reciting from an ancient fairy tale. As Aesop said, “A vegetable who shits himself is not as dumb as the mouse who thinks it is a cougar.”

I hate when comedians resort to mentioning weed for laughs. I hate it. I hate anyone who shouts “woo!” at just the mention of drugs. Actually I can categorically hate anyone who goes “woo!” for any reason at all, and still have enough hate left over for all y’all. Anyway, I had serious reservations about this joke because I feared the stoner community would think I wanted to hang out with them and they’d start sending me emails. Sorry dudes, I’ve got booze to drink. Please leave me alone.

Those Superbowl ads from a few years ago that equated drug use to aiding terrorists were hilarious. Drug money is dwarfed by oil money in the terrorist Ponzi scheme, but they were completely fine with making that argument. Drugs do contain some of the same chemicals that contribute to global warming. If they ever get around to admitting it exists, I’m sure the Bush Administration will blame it on drugs and hippie stink. For people who haven’t burned themselves with a crucible, those chemicals are carbon monoxide, tetrahydrocannabinol (the weed drug, don’t say “wooo” you motherfucker), and carbon dioxide. I’m sure there are a lot more chemicals, but I am dumb, and the place is called Spurious Labs. I doubt they’d even be this thorough.

Remember the mad cow scare last year? I’m glad that was fixed. Oh shit, no it wasn’t. The FDA just got around to issuing some new rules. They’re hoping that ignoring the disease will make it go away, just like AIDS. The USDA even prevented a rancher from testing his own cows.

That’s not really the point of the panel though. A lady cowering from a cow is just awesome in its poetic simplicity. I wish I drew a normal cow and not a sick one. It’s not as funny. It’s like I learned nothing from the Far Side.

The Ashlee joke was the real genesis of this entire cartoon. Ashlee Simpson really gets on my nerves. Jessica Simpson doesn’t even have a reason to be famous and Ashlee gets to ride her coattails? That’s bullshit. I doubt anyone who doesn’t know this has read this far, but there’s a probability joke in there, in case you missed it. The Ashley bell curve. The data set is really small. The only Ashlee I’ve heard of is Ashlee Simpson, and the only Ashleigh I know of is Ashleigh Banfield, who wears glasses, so she must be smart. I’ve seen enough porn star Ashleys and regular Ashleys to assume their I.Q. averages around 100.

Also, “Ashlee, Ashley, Ashleigh” is the name of my all girl supergroup I’m forming. Auditions will be held at 5pm…in my pants. (rimshot, thank you and good night!)

Particle physics is boring. I’m sorry, but protons and neutrons are as tiny as things have to get for me to understand my universe. However, subatomic particles actually exist, not like Jesus. I just choose to ignore both.

Armageddon may be ridiculous, but it’s a lot easier to imagine some red guy with a pitchfork poking all the sinners than it is to fathom an infinite universe among other infinite universes that may have only come into existence because of some forces even Einstein wasn’t too sure about.

I’ve decided that this cartoon proves I love lab coats. Besides regular suits and ties, I’ve drawn scientists and doctors more often than any other character. They are my Far Side cows. Thanks for reading all this. Being ahead in the comics gives me some more goofing off time to write this incoherent nonsense.

Next Week: Make sure you know what frotteurism is.

Update: I just checked out that link to the frotteurism page and was freaked out by this part of the definition:

By definition, there is significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

Although eerily similar to a description of myself, I swear I am not a frotteur. At least not since the T fare went up to $1.25.