Standards And Practices

Sorry for the complete lack of anything relevant being posted here in weeks. I’m kind of busy. I also wouldn’t have much to say even if I did have the time to pontificate. Most of the political stuff going on right now would just result in me saying, “I told you so,” a bunch of strident harping, or a string of swears I just made up.

That still wouldn’t be as shrill as most of the right wing nutjobs bitching and moaning about their outrage of the week. They have control of everything, but they still manage to sound as if they’re the victims. There’s something admirable to that. The country’s going in an entirely different direction from what I’d like, but I can’t bring myself to complain all the time. I have hand farts to make and beers to drink.

They’ve denied themselves so much of life’s awesomeness that whining and attacking others is their only source of joy. Organizing petitions and frivolous boycotts shouldn’t occupy the entirety of someone’s free time. And speaking of free time, how do these assholes find the time to pray and speak in tongues when they’re so busy making sure two gay guys they don’t even know can’t get married?

This is why I haven’t posted. I could go on and on about how their way of life is wrong and I am right. But then I’d become a joyless prig just like them.

I meant to talk about something that was news a while ago. The mini-outrage over the Desperate Housewives/ MNF tacky promotion. It’s the latest in a string of controversies fueled by morality queens and the compliant FCC.

I have startling news for everyone screaming the mantra “Think of the children!” Back in the old pious days of Puritans and Mormon pioneers, kids had to watch their parents fuck. Those quaint one-room cabins you see at Plimoth Plantation and Romanticized Covered Wagons were the scene of some nasty, unshaven, Jesus Freak on Jesus Freak hardcore ballin’; right under the noses of their twelve kids, three of which would survive to adulthood. An aging TV star’s bare back is nothing compared to that awfulness.

I bet most people agree with me, or at least acknowledge that kids’ heads won’t explode if they accidentally see a titty or some dead old dude’s balls. I’m too lazy to look up how many complaints the FCC got over the broadcast, but I’m sure it’s an infinitesimal fraction of the total viewership.

That should render the controversy moot. The FCC is supposed to uphold community standards, not the standards of five insane old ladies with nothing better to do. Community standards are a hard thing to divine, but Nielsen ratings are not. The FCC should sit on its hands, or god forbid enforce the laws that matter, until the number of complaints reaches a significant portion of the total viewing audience.

What that portion should be is up for debate. I say any complaints that amount to less than 50% of the total viewing population, say 49%, should be completely ignored. I think that’s a policy the current administration would endorse.

Speaking of Nielsen ratings, you should be watching Arrested Development. It’s on right after The Simpsons, which any objective viewer will agree is the lesser show. Also, watch Patton Oswalt tonight on Comedy Central. I mean, you read this long-ass rambling essay, and both of those shows are infinitely funnier than anything I could throw together. Not watching them would imply that you’re somehow retarded in the brain.