Meet the Fringe Candidates

This isn’t really about the presidential campaign, I just wanted a platform to express eight of my most controversial beliefs. This cartoon is even better if you imagine Tracy Jordan saying all of these things to Liz Lemon or Jack Donaghy. Come on you AMPTP dicks, give me back my 30 Rock!

Next Week: Protect Yourself from STI

Fun Football Facts

Just because I made a cartoon about football, it doesn’t mean I like talking about it. I’ll watch a couple of the Patriots’ regular season games here and there, and their playoff games, but if there’s a good documentary about bumblebees on, I’m watching that instead.

How long until pitchers and catchers report anyway? The temps are in the teens and I am oh, so cold.

Next Week: Meet the Fringe Candidates

If You Care, Here’s My Opinion

I hate when random strangers shit their opinions out of their mouths and into our eyes and ears as much as (and probably more than) you do. However, you are willfully reading my little slice of the web; unless you’re reading the slightly larger slice used by CWA. If that’s the case, sorry. But really, if you didn’t want my political opinions repeatedly slapped on your chin, perhaps you shouldn’t participate in the glory hole that is the CWA Group Blog, a resource I endorse much more than glory holes. (By the by, I am only against current glory holes. Once we perfect robo-glory-holes, you pervs can go nuts.)

Anyway, tonight’s Democratic debate was rather promising. Edwards is still far and away my favorite, but the other two seemed far more substantive tonight than they have been previously. Call me an elitist, but I think the limited participation played a role. Without the fringe candidates, all of the real candidates were able to state their case.

The Republican field however; HOLY SHIT! Whatta buncha fucks! Thanks Michigan for voting for Mista Mitt. Professor Jesus and Saint McCain will have to continue their crazy parade for a little bit longer.

Attention Red Line Passengers

Late yesterday afternoon I had the misfortune of riding the Red Line when a herd of caroling LaRouchies boarded my car at Park Street. Apparently they’ve been stuck on the MBTA since the ’04 Democratic Convention. If they were allowed to surface in the past four years, surely these painfully annoying college kids would’ve jumped on the Ron Paul Delusion Choo-Choo to Crazy Town.

While I almost injured myself in a complicated eye-rolling maneuver, I can take some small comfort in the genuinely hurt look on one dumb co-ed’s face when I refused to take her pamphlet (AKA: Garbage that no one wants).

And to everyone who just takes pamphlets because they’re handed to you: Stop it! You know you’re not going to read it. Who you foolin’?

Return of the Somerville Mystery Object

Mystery Object Clear

OK, so it’s no longer a mystery, but are they gonna drive this thing up and down my street once a week for all eternity? I was prepared this time with a slightly better camera, but apparently I’ve got a case of the shakes.

Since it was a little warmer this time, I went out on the deck. This thing not only required a police escort, but a couple of cherry pickers to make sure it didn’t take out any traffic lights.

Once again, more crappy photos are up on Flickr.

Somerville Mystery Object

Mystery Object

At 12:36 this morning, right as I was settling down to Conan’s second unscripted monologue, a big-ass flatbed truck and a bunch of police cars slowly moved down a blocked off Willow Ave in Somerville.

What was on the flatbed? I’m guessing some sort of giant HVAC device, but it’s dark out. I could read tomorrow or today’s papers, but I’ve got fart jokes to write. Instead, I’m going to pretend it’s a cage containing a reanimated mammoth on its way to Tufts for further study. Will it escape, mauling dozens and teaching all of us a valuable lesson about the hubris of science? Yes, at least in my fevered imagination.

I posted more, yet even crappier camera-phone pics on my Flickr page.

Ask an Iowan

The primary process is fucked up. A national primary would be too costly for independent campaigns unbeholden to huge financial interests to run, but a rotating primary that gives two different states “first in the nation” preference every four years would help in eliminating my seething hatred for those entitled hicks. I could then hate on every state, if I live for 100 more years. (Science, make this happen!)

I would’ve ragged on New Hampshire too, but they are pretty much just a northern suburb of my native Massachusetts, except with more underfunded schools and dirt roads. But they allow the sale of fireworks, so they’re cool.

“Rubbing corn on it” is a euphemism begging for a meaning. Let’s do this America! Nothing about poo though. Let’s keep it clean-ish.

No one cares about my opinions on the caucus results, but I’d like to say that I’m glad that even the dum-dum Iowa Republicans saw through Romney’s phony baloney schtick. However, Huckabee is a grown man who believes in magic and other assorted evangelical voodoo.

Next Week: The Winter Manners Fairy