Class Warfare Combat Guide


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The Republicans won control of the House because Democrats didn’t do enough to help the economy. The compromised health care bill and weak sauce stimulus were half-measures at best, only slowing the rate at which the economy is turning into shit. And when people don’t have any money, they get pissed. Mostly at things that have little to do with their problems, because most people, rich and poor, are stupid fucks.

Until the Democrats become a truly populist party, fighting corporate interests and greedy fucks instead of giving them tax breaks and deregulation, they’ll always be uninspiring Republican-lite centrists. This isn’t just bad news for the party, but for the economy. The disparity between the rich and poor is worse now than during the Gilded Age. Until the middle class has enough change in its pockets to start buying stupid shit, like houses and cars, the economy will be stagnant, or worse.

Next Week: 27 Cent Book Bin

Horror Movie Marathon


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I will gladly write full scripts for any of these if anyone wants to produce them. I’m talking to you, Troma.

The last panel goes out to Phil Plait, who recently outed himself as a reader of this comic strip. I don’t think he’s going to be at this show, but I urge all of you in the Boston area without Halloween plans to get your lazy asses to W00tstock.

Lastly, if you need a soundtrack to your spooky weekend shenanigans, I recommend playing Monster Fuck on a constant loop.

Next Week: Conducting Class Warfare

Genetically Awesome-ified Foods and Organisms


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This cartoon ended up being way too scatological, especially following last week’s fart-centric opus. I pledge to keep things to a more high-brow standard around here, at least for a few weeks, and only in the comics. I reserve the right to blog and tweet about farts and butts as often as my juvenile mind pleases.

As for genetically modified foods, I’m okay with them in theory, provided there’s rigorous testing to ensure they’re not going to fuck up ecosystems. But agribusiness isn’t exactly one to care about anything but profits. And anything done to food crops that helps feed more starving people is fine by me. Even it kills some stupid endangered animals.

Next Week: Horror Movie Marathon

What’s Up My Earholes

As you might’ve already read, I’m pretty sick of news and politics these days, and as a result, I’ve pointed my mp3 player away from NPR and towards some great comedy podcasts while I’m cranking out cartoons. I thought I’d share some of them with you in case you’re into that sort of thing.

Many people don’t like iTunes auto-starting and hogging their system resources, so all these links go to the show websites, or where to find their syndication feeds. If that is too confusing, cut n’ paste the names into the search function on your Steve Jobs’ Money Machine to find them.

WTF with Marc Maron – A great stand-up who covered politics for Air America before getting tired of that shit. There’s lots to love for everyone: frequent, hilarious updates, recurring bits, and the occasional live show, to name a few. But this is essential listening for all of my fellow comedy nerds. The two-part Judd Apatow and Louis CK interviews are particularly awesome.

Comedy Death-Ray with Scott Aukerman – Every week, Scott is joined by his comedy and improv pals for a goofabout. Also, there are plugs.

The Bugle (weird link, since Times UK website is paywalled.) – John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are funny dudes from some country that loves soccer and binge drinking. John is frequently on something called “The Everyday Show, except Friday-Sunday, and All the Times It’s on Vacation.

Pod F. Tompkast – Paul F. Tompkins has been the best podcast guest since the format was invented in the nineties and originally called Pogcasts. It is my great shame that I was unable to get tickets to see him earlier this month when he visited Cambridge.

Doug Loves Movies – Doug Benson, famous marijuana enthusiast, has other, more interesting interests, like movies. Other comedians are frequently guests, but the best episodes are when the comics get to bounce off of the actors and actresses who stop by.

Science Friday – Not comedy, and a cameo on The Big Bang Theory certainly removes all doubt, but it’s the one NPR program I still make a point to keep up with.

There are more, and I’ll post recommendations soon, since they’re easier than coming up with my own, original blog content.

Lifestyles of the Internet Famous


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The internet fame cycle is a speedy and predictable beast. This is based on a lot of recent memes, but the character is mostly a fusion of “You Done Goofed” Dad and Le Pétomane, who would surely have millions of subscribers to his YouTube channel and a lucrative underpants endorsement deal if he were alive today.

Next Week: Genetically Awesome-ified

Where the Democratic Base is Hiding


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Of course the Democrats have done nothing to inspire my support lately, but these Tea Party morons have driven me away from political coverage entirely. They’ve shifted political debate so far from reasonable territory, anyone who engages with them is only contributing to the farce. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to my bunker to watch Idiocracy.

Next Week: Lifestyles of the Internet Famous

Obscure World of Sports


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Since the 2010 baseball season officially ended for me this week, I thought I’d turn my attentions toward some lesser-known sports.

I had to make some last-minute changes to this cartoon after Googling the original final panel and discovering it was one of the least original ideas I’ve ever had. I usually do this before drawing, but I was lazy this week, both in joke-writing and joke-checking.

This idea was so unoriginal, it even appeared on an episode of Rock of Love. I’m blaming my lameness on the blinding rage I go into whenever a gigantic, sidewalk-hogging stroller obstructs my path. Those things are bigger than bikes, and as a result, parents and their SUV-sized strollers should be relegated to bike lanes whenever possible. (Parents who use baby bjorns and/or compact strollers, you’re cool.) I won’t even get started on how annoying these assholes are on public transit.

Next Week: The Intellectual Underground

Liveblogging Outsourced

The liveblog is over, and I feel significantly dumber for watching this ignorant, lowest common denominator, racist abomination. I’ll be ignoring it from now on, and hopefully Parks and Rec will return to the Thursday night comedy nerd playground soon.

Also check out Todd VanDerWerff’s recap over on the AV Club. He hates this shit almost as much as me and should consider the mailing of the review DVD a hate crime.

10:00 It ended with a shit joke! I can’t wait for the Mexico-based spin-off, or shall I say “shit-off?” No. End this show now. Tomorrow I shall eat Lamb Vindaloo and Peshwari Naan to make amends for watching this turdburger.

9:52 Hey! Wait a minute! Why isn’t Fisher Stevens in this?

9:49 Commercials are a peephole into the part of America I fear and loathe.

9:47 This show is some defensive xenophobic bullshit right here. RATINGS Gold!

9:43 I want to see the Sikh fuck the American up.

9:39 This show hates Indians, Americans, and Australians.  But it doesn’t think it hates Americans.

9:37 Fuck these guys. Indian food is delicious.

9:35 This should have been titled “Van Wilder Goes to India and Is Not Funny There Either.”

9:33 I hear the green screens in India are beautiful this time of year.

9:31 Poor Matt Walsh. He’s so good. (Elsewhere.)

9:29 ARE YOU READY TO OUTSOURCE YOUR LAUGHTER TO SOMEONE WATCHING A FUNNY SHOW?

9:26 Although it flies in the face of continuity, I love web-savvy Creed.

9:19 For the last six or so years, I’ve been haunted by Kathy Bates’ tits in About Schmidt.

9:12 This Luke crap could’ve been a good Modern Family crossover.

9:02 So now The Office is aiming for actual Michael Scotts as its target audience?

8:56 I hope 30 Rock references Comedy Death Ray’s other crowd-pleasing bit: PLUGS!

8:45 I hope Matt Damon gets to punch Julianne Moore for her Boston accent sometime soon. On 30 Rock or real life. Either’s cool.

8:35 This Studio Facebook on the Farmville Strip movie looks pretty good!

8:29 The Office is going to start with a stuck-in-a-elevator episode? It smells like jumped-shark up in here.

8:26 Senor Chang!

8:24 Starburns is Dino Stamatopoulos, the greatest Greek-American comedy hero. (Except for random hairy dude at the beach.)

8:19 25-year-old me would scoff at quality TV airing at 8, but fuck, I’m old. I was asleep at 9:30 last night.

8:15 First promo for Outsourced. The gist: Foreigners are so FOREIGN!

8:09 Community‘s takin’ jabs at Shit My Dad Says. Well done. Chevy > Shatner

8:06 Community‘s so good. But where did Trudi Campbell dump the newborn?

7:55 Ugh. Forgot watching live TV means I’m subjected to local political commercials. New Hampshire’s are adorably amateur. Massachusetts’ are filled with exaggerated accents, for inauthentic folksiness.

7:45 Watching Jeopardy before my stories start, and Christ, that set! Really craving some coke now.

Last year, Thursdays on NBC were pretty great, with the exception of that infamous experiment in aggressive mediocrity. I especially enjoyed the two newer shows, Community and Parks and Recreation. 30 Rock and The Office delivered lots of laughs, but their age prevents them from offering anything truly surprising.

Since its executives apparently set the schedule by farting into a random number generator, Parks and Rec was demoted to mid-season status and replaced with Outsourced, a show about a white guy who goes to India to teach the natives how to be a douche.

There’s a ton of shitty shows premiering this fall, so why am I singling this one out? It’s being aggressively advertised on websites I frequent and now I want to punch that guy and his coworkers in their fucking multicultural faces.

Stop by this post tonight at 9:30 and join me in the unfun!

8:56 I hope 30 Rock references Comedy Death Ray’s other crowd-pleasing bit: PLUGS!

Catching Up

It’s been forever since I posted something here besides the weekly comics. Sorry about that. Summer and furnishing the apartment left little time for me to blather on about nonsense.

If you weren’t reading Ted Rall, Matt Bors, and Steven Cloud last month, dig through their archives to read and see their Afghanistan adventure. SPOILER ALERT: They don’t die.

I’m pretty burnt out on politics these days since I am not a moron. August made a more eloquent version of that statement last month. I have no idea how sane people can closely follow politics for decades. I’ve only been paying attention for ten years, and this shit has already gotten too repetitive. Conservatives are assholes. Liberals are pussies. Rinse. Repeat. Then shoot me in the fucking head.

Now onward towards OPTIMISM! As daylight becomes scarce, I turn to the warm, comforting glow of television. There’s a lot more great television than films these days, and I’m having a hard time keeping up. If you missed its run over the summer, check out Louis CK’s Louie on Hulu or DVD as soon as it’s available. I’m also super excited for AMC’s Walking Dead, because I love zombies as long as hipsters and flash mobs aren’t involved.

Of course there’s shitty television too. I will liveblog some of it tonight. A post about that will be coming later today.