Parental Devices

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To all of my friends with kids who read this, I’m not talking about you. You all use Facebook correctly. Distant cousins, however, have been sent to the “hide all posts” gulag.

And speaking of Chris Elliott, you should be watching Eagleheart. It’s as if the 20 years since Get A Life was canceled never happened, and I am a preteen again, instead of a shitty old man.

Next Week: The Last Middle Class American

Free Speech Free-for-All

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I suspect if the Westboro publicity whores were advocating atheism in their signature abrasive style, instead of homophobic religious drivel, more of the Supremes would’ve joined Alito in the dissenting opinion.

It should go without saying that I believe anybody, even stupid shitheads, can say anything they want, including inciting others to violence.

Next Week: Parental Devices


Discovery completed its final mission yesterday. It’s going to a museum or Jay Leno’s unfunny garage of old-timey vehicles, but serving astronaut ice cream on the streets of America would be a much more noble end.

Manned spaceflight is expensive and will probably never be as practical as sending robots to look at space-rocks, but putting people in space is fucking awesome, and a much better way for countries to wag their dicks around than waging wars. At least until Robonaut becomes sentient and rules us all from his throne on the ISS.

Awful Ailments

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Here’s some juvenile fun that probably won’t draw the Paultardian hordes into the comments section like yesterday’s Quickie did, unless they’re able to read all the way to the penultimate panel before goin’ Galt.

Don’t forget to buy stuff so I can afford shoes and keep my revolting man-toes to myself this summer.

Next Week: Truths About Time

Gas Prices

If unemployment figures and other important economic statistics were plastered on easy-to-read signs at every intersection, maybe dum-dums would finally realize how bad income inequality has gotten in this country and get mad for the right reasons. Of course, that would require them to understand the difference between average and median, so I’m just gonna stop that line of thought.

Put your diaper-pants on tomorrow morning! A shit joke is coming up in Friday’s cartoon!