Lawn and Garden Tips

Lawn and Garden Tips

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Another year, another oil spill. This time it’s the whimsically named “Pegasus” pipeline in Mayflower, Arkansas. The 850 mile pipeline is 65-years-old and was originally designed for thinner oil to flow in the opposite direction. With the great tar sands boom, oil companies are desperate to get the heavy bitumen to the market. Since it’s thick asphalt, they need to dilute it with all sorts of chemicals to get it to move through pipes. When one bursts in your neighborhood, presto bango, your yard’s all fucked up.

The extent of the damage is not known at this point, and ExxonMobil is doing its damnedest to prevent anyone from knowing by instituting a no-fly-zone over the spill. And thanks to the fact that this is bitumen pumped with chemicals, the mess doesn’t technically qualify as “oil,” so ExxonMobil’s exempt from paying for the cleanup.

As for Monsanto, one of the congressmen (Cough, Bloy Runt, cough) who’s attached to agribusiness’s teat slipped an anonymous rider into last week’s appropriations bill that has been colloquially dubbed “The Monsanto Protection Act.” This’ll expire in September, and isn’t the end of the world, but shows how disproportionately influential a company with deep pockets can be.

Despite what the final gag in the cartoon might imply, I’m not reflexively against all genetically modified foods. I just wanted to draw Audrey II from “Little Shop of Horrors.” GMOs have done wonderful things like improving yields in drought-ridden parts of the world, and making tomatoes that don’t turn to shit on their way to my grocery store. My beef with the rider is that it blocks any oversight or regulation on untested GMO crops. Factor in their aggressive protection of their GMO “intellectual property,” even when it’s their crops breeding with their neighbors’, disregard for damage done to the environment, and their resistance to labeling GMOs, Monsanto is as bad as any oil company.

Happy Climate Change Denial Season!

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Here in New England, the hinterland beyond New York most people forget about until some shitty movie about Southie comes out, it usually gets cold with a few flurries around the end of October, beginning of November. But last week’s freak October snowstorm that hit most of the northeast meant an early start to climate change denial season throughout the nation.

I was reluctant to do a cartoon that made so many parallels to the holiday season; I’m a post-Thanksgiving traditionalist. But Starbucks already changed their cups, and TV ads are already filled with elves and shit so I figured it’s fair game.

While reading up on climate change denial, I came across this funny song from Sydney band, Men with Day Jobs:

I also saw this great graph that illustrates how the deniers perceive the incontrovertible climate change data.

Going Green Guide

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Earth Day is coming up, so here are some helpful tips.

I’m late posting this, so I won’t type much. Do you know how hard it is to fart into your elbow? Only Cirque du Soleil members should attempt it.

Check out the Guardian’s Greenwash blog for real-life instances of people painting some leaves on some shit.

Next Week: Financial Reform Proposals

Earth Day Tips and Facts

I only know two things about Earth Day: 1) It was founded by a man named Gaylord. 2) And around this time of year, hippies with disgusting bathrooms say, “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.”

But since talking about saving the environment, as opposed to actually doing anything about it, is so popular this time of year, I’ve come up with a few simple strategies that could help our dying shitball of planet.

Don’t Reheat Leftover Pizza

If you couldn’t eat it all when it was fresh, tough shit. Cold pizza’s pretty good. Heating it up is a waste of resources AND gets burnt cheese all over the toaster oven.

No More Electric Vending Machines

Take them all off the grid, and hook them up to a bicycle/generator setup. Anyone who really wants a candy bar should have to work for it.

XXX Plastic Bags

Some municipalities impose a tax on those annoying and wasteful plastic shopping bags. Much like the itty bitty 5 cent bottle deposit, this is not enough of an incentive to get folks off the plastic pony and onto those yuppie-ass tote bags. Instead, all plastic bags should be printed to look like they came from a giant dildo warehouse. A law would be passed so that people who refuse to buy a tote bag, and continue to use these XXX plastic bags, can legally be slapped in the face with any dildos passers-by may be holding.

Genetically Engineering Triffid-People

If a branch can grow in some Russian dude, it shouldn’t be too hard to shove some chloroplasts into human skin cells, either physically, or through genetic manipulation. Mitochondria have been the darling of animal cell endosymbiosis for too long. Fix this, mad scientists!

Once we get these photosynthesizing tree-people going, they can live in all the polluted, shitty parts of the world, and happily convert the oppressive sunlight and CO2 into energy. We could then harness their energy into sweatshop labor. This would free up the regular, non-tree-people from their sweatshop drudgery, strengthing them for mankind’s inevitable battle with the triffid-people.

If we win that battle, we get plant-slaves and cleaner air. If we lose and mankind is consumed by the tree-monsters it created, Earth still wins.