Enough with the Zombie Marches

There are two of them going on in the Boston area this weekend. One of them in my neighborhood. That shit was played out a year and a half ago when I did this cartoon. Be warned hipster douchebags, you are doing to zombies what goths did to vampires: turning them into pussies and punchlines.

Calm down. I love zombies too. I just don’t have to play dress up and LARP around town to prove my love. Can’t you assholes just hang out and talk about Lucio Fulci’s ZOMBIE over beers without all the attention-whoring pomp?

It was funny the first time around. Now you’re just repeating the same joke over and over. What are you? Little Britain?

7 Steps to a Cooler You

click for comic

For those who are unaware, I’m going to crush your blissful bubble of ignorance, and inform you of the existence of the steampunk fad. I argue that they’re even lamer than furries, in that at least furries get off. Steamdudes and dudettes just get a smug pretentious tingle in their nether regions for all their efforts.

If you’re into fancying up all your shit to make it look old timey, you are not a punk. You are a fop. I’ll stop before this turns into a Jeff Foxworthy bit. Chronic masturbators could also benefit from this nomenclature scheme and start calling themselves wankpunks. Then they’d be featured on a popular blog with pictures of the elaborate masturbatory devices they’ve constructed, or hacked, to use the parlance of some enthusiastic nerds. [ed. A joke about Disney World should go here.]

I would’ve busted out an equation proving the Fonzarelli Effect exists, but I’ll just say that it is mitigated by the Screech Quotient when both are factored into the Osmond matrix. So it’s not really worth my time. You can do it for extra credit if you want. But show your work!

For more thoughts on the very important subject of coolness, check out Jen’s strip for this week.

Next Week: Smears, Gaffes, and Laffs

This Summer, Prepare to Get Fancy

The Adventures of Captain Dandy and Kid Fop

click for comic

I like many summer blockbusters. But it sucks that all the good, thought-provoking movies come out in a two-week span in December. Spread that shit out Hollywood! There Will Be Blood totally could’ve been last year’s Iron Man.

Speaking of elitists, the “Barack Obama is an elitist!” trope still makes the rounds, despite the fact that he has finally become the presumptive nominee. I don’t know why I’m trying to shoehorn political commentary into a cartoon that mocks silly summer blockbusters, but I suppose there is a connection. A very thin one.

There’s all this complaining about elitists, but they’re not much of a threat. So what if elitists think you’re a crushing bore? It’s a free country. Not everyone has to think your bowling skills and Big Mouth Billy Bass are particularly interesting. I’m not an elitist apologist though. David Brooks is a prominent elitist and I think he’s a thin-lipped piece of shit.

I’ve been saying this for years, but once more with gusto: Dandies and Fops will become the new hipster meme. Robots and Zombies have been in Squaresville for years now and that steampunk shit has got to be winding down by now.

Next Week: A Tourist’s Guide to Touristing